More Forgiveness...

Since I had to go to work earlier, I didn't totally finish my train of thought. So here goes...

Does forgiveness ever totally happen? No, I think probably not. There's always gonna be a tiny piece of hurt, anger & fear that sticks with you, no matter what. But the whole concept of forgiveness is that you don't let those things rule your daily life anymore.

So to the other side of the spectrum of this for me...Jennifer. I have not been looking for an apology from her. She didn't DO anything to me! And I have nothing to apologize to her about, for the same reason. There's nothing for anyone to apologize for. You can't apologize for the person you ARE...cuz, basically, your core being will never truly change. I don't even want to discuss our "relationship" with her at this point. Doing so is simply an impasse. A difference in wants, likes, desires, etc. You can't say "I'm sorry" & fix any of that. That doesn't mean I'm not ok being her friend. But as far as being someone solidly fixated in my life...no. I'm not a relationship type person. It's become very clear to me now. With that being said, if I have to fight to hold onto a relationship...I would rather not! The drama isn't worth it to me...since I have a hard enough time of being in one in the 1st place!

I have work that wears me out. I have family that annoys me at times. I have friends that bring me into their own drama most days. I have my kitties. One of which may die soon. My life is full. I like it the way it is. If I made more money, that'd be a super cool bonus!! But...generally, I like my life as it is...without the constant drama of an intimate relationship. I got turned off to that 2 years ago. Didn't totally realize how much so til Jenn appeared in my world.

So...if it HAS to happen...I apologize for not wanting an intimate relationship. I have enough past memories that still can make me cry without adding new stuff to it. I hope that one day you will forgive me for that...

Forgiveness...

Forgiveness is on my mind. When someone tells you "I'm sorry", you say "Ok" but it doesn't end there. The one apologizing thinks it should be truly ok at that point cuz you've accepted their apology. Accepting an apology is rarely the end of it! The person that was hurt still has to find a way of letting themselves FORGIVE that other person. Forgiving someone is a helluva lot harder to do than accepting an apology. Generally, it involves trust. Once trust is lost, it's hard to regain it. And it takes time to do. Sometimes a LOT of time to do.

It took me over a year to forgive Kat. And I really don't even know when it happened. I remember still being agitated with her at Halloween but as of the new year...I was finally able to *talk* to her again. I'd let go of the hurt & anger somehow...somewhere. I've STILL not let go of the fear though. Letting go of the hurt & anger allowed me to forgive her. The fear keeps me still at a sort of distance. The fear makes me say things to her, reminders of past issues. The fear is from the lack of trust that's still there. And it's been almost another year...

Kat is upset that Ben can't let go of this Andy thing. I keep trying to get her to see this from a different POV other than her own. Yeah, she's over it. The 1st time Ben accepted her apology, she was over it. Her conscience was clear. The weight had been lifted off of her. He, however, has yet to FORGIVE her for it so he still lashes out at her about it. She doesn't want to continue re-opening the wound every few days & is growing tired of the situation. I can't say I blame her for feeling that way. It's hard to feel like shit all over again repeatedly. But he simply hasn't had sufficient time to find the forgiveness within himself yet. There is NO set time frame for this to occur. He has to finally trust her apologies enough to let it sink in & allow himself to forgive her & they will be able to move on. I had my own few moments of mistrust with her in the last couple of days. It hasn't totally left me either. But...I forgave her the beginning of the year so I am able to be ok with her, for the most part, til something disturbs my fears that are lying in wait...

I just don't always let her know what's disturbing me. And that's the key, I think. He has to get to the point where he stops poking at her out of fear & realize that every time he does, he pushes her farther away. I learned that. Eventually. I didn't want to still lose her after everything that had happened. Realizing how your actions affect others...allows you to understand more than your own feelings. Or, at least...it should...not an easy lesson to learn either...

Schuster...

Kelli took him to the vet this morning. Not good news. :/ He's in renal failure. She only told me that vet said to keep him happy & just wait. Make sure he has lots of water. Been researching online. He needs special food, too. He was home when I got home, asleep on the bed, waiting for me. I had to immediately give him kisses!! CRF is progressively terminal. He will die. The time frame is just uncertain. He will get to the point where he'll slip into a coma & just go. I dunno if I can watch him die. In fact, I know I can't!! It's gonna kill me. Hell...I just think about it or talk about it & I start crying...FFS. :/ Judy is willing to take him, if I don't wanna deal with it. I just think he'll go faster if he's alone. So I don't want that to happen either...*sighs heavily*. Just gotta wait & love him while I still can, I guess...

My lower back has been killing me since the moment I got up this morning. I have a feeling it's gonna go out. As of right now, I can barely move. It's been over a yr since it's gone out. And I was down for a week that time. Ugh...SO can't afford that!!!

Mom wants to get me a new phone for xmas. T-Mobile is gonna screw me when I upgrade/renew my contract. I just know it. Tried talking to them today but my mind was on Schu so I'll try again later. Jokingly, I told Kat I was gonna give her my info so she could deal with them for me. ;-p Jokingly. Mostly. Kinda. haha *sighs* I don't deal with people running me over too well. Bleh.

Mama sent 8 fucking boxes to me today via UPS!! WTF?! She'd called last week & said she had some of my old toys & crap she wanted to send to me. I don't fight her so I was like whatever. Didn't think she'd actually DO it!! Nor did I think there'd be so many!!! OMG. Mom is pissed. She told her several times not to send me the crap cuz I don't want it. Ugh. It's ALL crap. And 95% of it isn't even MINE! The Barbies would be ok...if they didn't reek of moth balls!! GAH!! They are still at work. I dunno if I can even get them all in my car. Like...really?! o.0 I couldn't deal with em tonight after work cuz my back was already breaking...

Jenn is...I dunno. I just dunno what to do with her. Not sure about any of it. Just think I really am NOT programmed to be in a relationship. I can't handle the drama that comes with it. And way too much of a fucken loner for it...

Another Kitty...

Ok...so...Friday afternoon, I started getting texts from Amanda, Cindy & Kelli...about Cindy wanting to put Schuster down cuz she thinks he's sick & doesn't want to be involved in any costs for him. REALLY?! What a fucken TWAT!!! So we all agreed that I'd take him...even if for just a little while. Get him checked out & all. Me, Kelli & Judy will split any vet fees, etc. Judy may end up taking him entirely. So I brought him home with me Saturday night. He broke my heart, crying pitifully, on the way home!! :/ Got him inside, Sebastian gave him what-for & then he went in the cabinet with Sheba.

Bastian has continued to go randomly harass him in the cabinet. But the surprising part is, Sheba is now under the bed & any time Bastian looks at her, there's a huge hissy fit! lol WTF?! Whatever. Kelli is taking Schu to Dr Smith on Wednesday morning to get him tested. Then we'll know what happens next. He really ISN'T eating that much! But...I'm hoping it's just from the upheaval.

Ben left for Yakima on Friday so Kat has been on Yahoo...lol...so they can chat & stuff. I get the benefit from that, too! ;-p

I went into SL last night to change my "Home" location back to the apt & away from Jenn's land & to revoke her privileges. Well, that spurred her to contact me since I hadn't spoken to her since late Thursday night. Come to find out...she says when we started hanging out, she changed who she normally was, to fit into what she thought I wanted her to be like. o.0 But now she's going back into SL full time, rekindling her friendships there & going back to the person she used to be. Good for her!! Hearing this put me off even more. She's been essentially lying to me this entire time. Of course, every time I say that, she says I'm twisting her words. Really?? How so?! But whatever. I refuse to argue with her any more. It's simply not worth it. Told her I'd give her another chance to redeem herself & show me who she REALLY is. Kat & I were in SL & I brought Jenn to the apt to talk some more. She was perturbed, at 1st, about Kat being there. She doesn't understand that Kat is never totally *there* when she's there. Just like she's never totally *there* on Yahoo either. lol Kat DID put her $.02 in here & there though. Anyway, it's up to her now...to change my opinion of her by showing me her true self. Maybe I'll like that person a little better than the person who was here...? *shrugs* Gotta wait & see & just take it one day at a time...

Finally escaped from SL & then had to entertain Anna on Yahoo & I could see her on cam for a while! LOL She's too cute. Still the goofball. Brought back memories of before. But when she started asking me why I got mad & left there...I got a little upset. :/ Now BOTH her & Rachael have mentioned that time period. It cuts. Still. I got offline soon after that. It brings me down. I can't help it...bleh!! :/

Jenn's Visit...

Fantasy is ALWAYS better than reality!! Anyone who has ever been involved in an online world...be it a virtual client or just chat...knows that. I know that!! I've lived it. But the hope is...that you connect enough online that when Real Life becomes involved, it's enough to spur you forward. But RL is funny...it changes things & presents problems that didn't exist so much before.

In the almost 4 months that I've known Jenn online, I knew these issues already existed:

*She's young. Even though she's had a shit load of "Life Experiences" already, she's still immature in a lot of ways.

*She's possessive & has trouble with jealousy.

*She truly has NO clue what D/s is all about!

*She has anger issues.

*She has a semi-butch personal style.

And I've had my own problems dealing with these...JUST online! I knew they'd be magnified in RL but the hope was that we had enough of a *connection*, that it'd not be that big of a deal. I have my own quirks, too. I know that. I'm not perfect! Nowhere even near perfect!! But whatever problem someone has with me, I can work on it or whatever needs to be done.

Being with her 24/7 for a week was like...being around a teenager. I dislike teens, generally. So it was a bit annoying...lol. The whole package of a teenager's view of life & the world around them & thinking they are invincible & know everything. Stubborn & refuses to listen to anything anyone says. She exhibits a LOT of these qualities!

I never had a moment to myself really the entire week. She was either ON me or right next to me. I'm not a touchy-feely person to begin with. I adore my personal space. I've said all along that I don't think I can handle someone being always around me. I've done it before, with roommates...but that's a little different cuz they aren't constantly touching me. She questioned things I'd do, the way I'd do them, etc. Like...really?! I've been driving & living my daily life longer than she's been alive & she's going to question it?? It WORKS for me...let it be! One day at the beach, I took a pic of this building covered with turtles so I could send it to Stacy (she ADORES turtles!!) As I'm waiting to get a signal to send the text, Jenn pipes up with trying to get me to just stop..."It's just a text!" she said...that pissed me off. I took the picture for a REASON! Hell yeah I was gonna send it...FFS! *sighs*

For her to claim to be soooo Dominant...yeah, not so much! 1st of all, she hasn't got the 1st clue as to how D/s works. She just wants to be in control of people & situations. That's not the same thing. o.0 We had a 4 hour convo on D/s one night. She thinks of D/s in terms of kinky sex. That's only a small percentage of it!! She says fuck all to the rest of it. TOTALLY doesn't get that it's a *relationship*...period. Getting her to make a decision...was like freaking pulling teeth!! And I'm talking simple shit...grocery shopping, making dinner, where to go, what to do. I'm submissive. I conform to what somebody else wants. I want to please them...make them happy. Make a decision...I will follow! Ugh. Whatever.

She is insanely jealous of Kat & Ben. Not Ben so much as Kat. But he's still part of it. I talked to Kat a little more than normal while Jenn was here but...generally...it stayed pretty normal. I had hoped that if she heard our convos (be it one-sided or not), that she'd let go of some of that jealousy. Most of what we have is a friendship. She will always be my Domme...that will NEVER go away! Ben has that part of me, too. Just like Lou & Lee will always have a little piece of me in that same aspect. When you get on that intense level with someone, it never goes away. She tried to tell me that I didn't need to talk to Kat EVERY DAY! That we only talk BS while she's on her way home from work. o.0 WTF?!?! Out of desperation (will explain that part in a bit), I tried to get her to understand that Kat is my BEST FRIEND. I *need* her. When I talk to her, I talk to her as my friend. She is my go-to person. When I'm upset, she can calm me. When I go bizerk, she can give me peace. When I feel lonely or lost, she can find me. I don't have a single other person currently in my life that can do that for me. I have several friends. Tanya, Amanda, Stacy, Michele, Heidi...but Kat is my BEST friend. *sighs* But all she sees in Kat is that She is my Domme...nothing else matters. Yeah, we generally talk BS. That's what FRIENDS do!! They share their day. They vent. They talk about "nothing" & "everything" all at the same fucken time...SERIOUSLY!!!! o.0

When Jenn gets angry about something, she can get brutal & very verbal. And she then vents to Misty & Lisha. She flies off, half-cocked & doesn't see anything but her own anger. I guess that's really pretty normal but...I dunno. *sighs*

Her personal style drove me a little bonkers. No, I have ZERO sense of style. I make fun of Kat for her name brands & shit but...butch isn't a turn on for me. It never has been. If I wanted a guy, I'd BE with a guy. And for Jenn...it's not totally about her clothes. She dresses in what's comfortable for her. It's more about how she carries herself. I dunno...that prolly doesn't make a whole lotta sense...bleh. At any rate, it was a wall for me. My attraction to her went down cuz of it.

I'm not even really gonna talk about the sex part of this. But what I found amusing...no, not amusing...ironic??...maybe...???...all this time online, she's been ego-centric about her sexual prowess & the use of her tongue ring. She seemed more amateurish to me instead of totally experienced like she claims. The tongue ring...did nothing for me at all. But I think the sex part was all on me. I'm not sensitive to it. I'm not all that open with it or know what I'm doing. So she may very well be awesome at it...but not with me. I've always said I'm "broken" when it comes to sex. So I'm pretty much set on that now...solidly. Though, she did manage to really get a response out of me a couple of times...heh. I hafta totally be into it & ok with the moment before I experience much of anything...which sucks for me! lol

Size doesn't matter for me. I'm not little or hot or sexy or ANYTHING. I think I'm pretty gross, actually. When I'm attracted to someone, I'm attracted to the PERSON, their personality, the things they do, how they make me feel emotionally...not what their body looks like!! However...the reverse is true, too...if I don't like the PERSON...I don't like the body. About halfway through her visit, I started not liking her very much at all...

I think it was Monday night...she asked if she could use my laptop. Reluctantly, I said ok...with the condition that she stayed nearby (meaning where I could see her). Instead, she went out in the yard with it. Instantly, my hackles rose & I became extremely uneasy!! Ever since Nancy refused to let me get any of my personal belongings, including my computer...I have SEVERE issues with my privacy. My laptop now is password protected for that very reason. Not that there is really anything on here that nobody needs to see but...it's MINE...it's my personal stuff! For 15 minutes, I asked & told her to come back to where I was or I threatened to go to her but she wouldn't let me. All she would tell me was she was accessing something on her flash drive. Well, it just happened that this started happening just before the time frame that Kat generally calls. The moment she called, Jenn came running over to me, saying she was ready & needed me to come over, telling me to hang up with Kat & tell her to call back later, etc. Was too late, at that point...I was pissed. And it pissed me off even more that she was in my face, being rude while I was on the phone. She finally walked away & then a few minutes later, she got pissed & took my laptop inside. Within the next several minutes, she came out a couple of times & walked around in the yard while venting on the phone to Misty...about me & the situation. I didn't hear everything but I heard a few choice lines that pissed me off even more. Then she went in for a few minutes & came back out to tell me dinner was ready. Was SUPPOSED to be a romantic-type dinner...oh, well. Couple minutes later, she's standing at the sliding glass door, again mentioning dinner. I will come when I'm ready! REALLY?! I'm not a child. When I got off the phone & went inside, she was on the couch, still on the phone...so I went to the bedroom. She followed me. Still on the phone! I wasn't talking to her while she was on the phone! I didn't want to talk to her PERIOD at that moment! But I couldn't get away from her. As things calmed down later on, we talked a little but the whole situation put me in shut down mode. And I stayed that way the rest of the time she was here. Come to find out, she wanted to use my laptop to play music so we could dance, etc. If she had just let me get off the phone & see it in time...I would've been ok about her using my comp & everything would've been fine...it was the REST of the night that made it all explode. *sighs*

I CAN'T deal with this in a relationship. I WON'T. Drama. BS. Jealousy. Anger. No. Zero desire for it. And as I put everything together in my mind...I'm not sure I still want to be in a relationship with her. She needs to grow up some 1st. But I know me...I will hang out & let things evolve before making a decision so that's pretty much where I was about the whole thing. Just gotta let things happen as they will & deal with it as it happens. I can't predict the future & I'm not going to make a decision in anger. Just hafta wait & see what happens next...

Well, it didn't take long for that to happen!! I took her to the airport last night. And, honestly, I was ready to get her out of my personal space. I'm agitated & apprehensive with her right now...she needs to be at a distance so things can calm down between us & we start over or move on or whatever's gonna happen! We get her checked in & find out her flight is delayed an hr & a half!! UGH! We were already there earlier than necessary. I ended up leaving her there at 7. I was torn about doing that but I needed "freedom". I needed to be able to finally breathe again. Selfish of me, I suppose, but...yeah...I needed to let things start healing again. Texted her at 8, just before I got home. We texted til 9:39...when she had to turn her phone off, getting ready for take-off. Just before midnight, I see these postings on her FB wall by Misty & Lisha:

Lisha: THANK GOD ur coming home! you are NEVER going back down there again! i'll chain ur ass in Philly if i have to!!!!!!!!! ♥ya and can't wait til i get MY skysky back!!!!! she will return if i have to reach through the computer and drag her ass back! :) o btw how long did u sit at the airport alone? i wish i had known! i was at my parents, i would have answered ur call :(

Misty: YOU fly safely back here, and i agree with Lisha, we're not letting u go down there again! you're done....don't ask....nope sky....no arguments.....instead, you can come to Boston and cook ME dinner ♥ i love you my biffle ♥

Misty: OH OH, and I'm on my 4th cup of coffee waiting for your ass to get home!!!! :))

My initial reaction...pissed!! Immediately looked like she'd been "venting" again & these were their responses to it! I was over it...instantly. She called at midnight when she landed & I didn't answer. Had no desire to talk to her at that moment. We had JUST been through this! I told her I wasn't gonna deal with the BS anymore. And I'm serious!! We ended up talking a little bit later on. She says she didn't tell them anything & that they posted this stuff just cuz they missed her. Uhh...sure...ok. Cuz it's not like she didn't text & talk to them the whole time she was here?! Really?!?! Whatever. Let it ride...see what happens next...*deep breath*

As I sit here now, I wonder what the good qualities were that I'd HOPED would make us ok...*sighs heavily*

Bad, Bad Day...

Yesterday...was a horrible day. :/

We knew that Cindy had made the decision to fire Stacy...& we were all on edge about it. Kelli had been delegated to deliver the news to her. We were all afraid she'd just explode & walk out. However, when Kelli got there, she told me & Amanda they were putting it off for a while, til they could crunch the numbers for how much Cindy's unemployment rate would rise. They did the numbers & Cindy proposed we could keep Stacy on for Fris & Sats BUT...Kelli would take a pay cut AND revert to hourly wages instead of salary. WTF?! They then decided to just go ahead & let her go. She took it surprisingly well! She was upset, understandably. Amanda & I were busy in Room 4 so we only got info second-hand but, apparently, Cindy & Stacy never spoke to each other after that & Stacy ended up going home around 2ish. Then on a smoke break, Cindy told me she was going to do the same with Lori...next time she comes in to work (which I think is today!). *sighs* Claire only works 3 days a week but she's phasing herself out. She possibly has another job lined up. Savannah isn't coming in too much anymore either cuz of school. That will leave us with 4 people to run this freaking store!! REALLY?! It's not gonna work. PLUS...Cindy is saying that she's leaving me & Amanda on 4 days/week! She is gonna work the 3 of us to death. And the 3 of us are each damaged in our own way so we will all...at some point...go down...for some period of time! We all have back problems. It won't take long til our bodies give out. We're also going into the holiday season when...typically...we get SLAMMED! Also, Nov & Dec, we will be open on Suns. So...4 people...are supposed to properly run a 7000 sq ft store containing 300,000 books (& MORE come in daily!), 9 hrs/day, 6 days/week? I SUCK at math...but even I know we can't accomplish this!!! I've spent the last year reorganizing Rooms 3 & 4 due to the fact we were short handed for 6 months & I didn't have the TIME to properly put books away. We will get overwhelmed yet again now...*sighs*. Not to mention, all of the web stuff & events, etc that we're trying to start up...I'm going to be working 24/7 almost. The future looks really, REALLY bleak at the moment...

Went to book club last night. 1st one I've gone to in 2 months. It was fun, as usual. But Sara called for a bit & I went outside to talk to her. I didn't even care. Had been a total shit day & I wanted/*needed* to talk to her. :/ Got home, knowing I wouldn't be up for long & expecting to get to talk to Jenn for a bit...she was watching tv instead so I just crashed. No remaining energy to put forth any more effort. *sighs*

But Jenn will be here in 6 days. I'm so *READY* for a vacation!! haha Especially after yesterday!! But as far as our relationship goes...I just dunno. I can't foresee what's gonna happen & I've given up trying to. It's just gotta happen at this point. She's gotta be here & we have to spend Real Time with each other. That's going to push this to wherever it's gonna go.

Anyway, I'm just down, I guess. It's affecting everything about me. Disheartened is more like it, I suppose. I'm not depressed...just stressed. I hate drama...& change...& not being stable. :/ Ugh...

And It Gets Worse...

So the whole Ben/Kat thing took an unexpected turn. Spent a lot of Monday talking with Ben. Something that has never happened before...him talking to me, I mean. It gives me pause & makes me willing to hang out for a little bit longer to see what he does with it now. The whole thing though...my reaction to it...was just PROOF of what I've said since the beginning. I *NEVER* want to come between them...& if he's not happy, I will just disappear. It won't work otherwise & I'm well aware of that. Trying to make it work without him will only kill me...

My reaction to them...caused a commotion with Jenn. That quickly became NOT about them at all...but about she & I. She went bizerk & tore loose on me. After 2 days of fighting, I'm just...not caring...anymore. I got burned & I'm standing back, aloof & untouchable. NOT a good place to be in when she's supposed to be here in 2 weeks! o.0 Late last night, just before I was going to go to bed, she started trying to mend things. I can't reach back out to her yet...nor can I allow her to touch me. The last couple of months have been almost constant drama...for one reason or another...& THIS...well...the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm just tired of it. All of it.

During the midst of it, she made a few comments regarding me & Kat...& the whole D/s thing. She just has NO idea. I will *always* be connected to her. She doesn't control me like she used to...but she always has the OPTION of exercising it. Jenn would not like it if Kat were truly in control of me again. She just hasn't got a clue. At all. Kat already wants to regain that power but she's holding back, letting me figure this all out on my own. And I'll be completely HONEST here...there have been a few moments here in the last couple of days that I've been on the verge of asking Kat to take over...cuz I don't know how to handle Jenn in the least right now...& it's totally stressing me out. However...I know the outcome of that would not be good...for Jenn, for me or for Kat. I also know that I need to figure out how to navigate this issue by myself.

I'm in a very dangerous state of mind right now. Jenn needs to figure out how to grow up a little & truly realize that I'm not everyone else...I'm not out to purposefully hurt her. She also needs to realize she can't control me. We are EQUAL in this relationship. She can have all the control she wants--in certain aspects...but not when it comes to the things that damage me. Me...I need to decide if it's worth it for me to attempt to trust her again.

Right here...right now...in THIS moment...I don't know if I can recover enough to allow her to come visit...& that's daunting...either side of that decision. And I honestly don't have a clue what I'm gonna decide...

*SIGHS*

I knew it was coming. Things were going too well for it to NOT happen!! :-(

Kat texted me last night. She'd dropped a convo Saturday afternoon & nothing all day on Sunday. Til last night. When she said...she'd been quiet cuz she'd been thinking about something disturbing that Ben had said. Automatically, my hair stood on end. She said he'd made a comment that he was afraid that I'd become her confidante & be on her side. That he wanted me to not be just close to her but to both of them. Well...HELL!!! I AM her confidante...I ALWAYS have been!! :/ No, I'm not on her side. Not with certain things. Ironically...I'd just said to her on Saturday that it was really hard being on both of their sides at the same time but that's exactly what I've been doing for the last few months! *sighs* I'm there for him, too, when he lets me be. It's not like he talks to me a whole lot. Especially lately. And...REALLY...come on. I will always have a stronger bond with her than him. PERIOD!!! There's just NO way around that. EVER. She & I have a connection that has yet to be broken & I won't ever have that same connection with him. It's just not possible. We don't share the same history.

So...my response to her...that I simply cannot go down this road again. And I will simply back off now. It has always happened the same way. Any time he starts resenting the bond she & I have, it causes problems. And I just can't go through that particular brand of Hell again. I just...CAN'T!! I didn't respond to her last 2 texts where she was telling me not to flip out cuz he's not angry, etc. I know he's not angry. He's just uncomfortable with how close we are & that's the issue. I couldn't respond cuz...I couldn't stop crying. I cried most of the night. I've spent the last 2 years fighting to get her back into my life. I've spent the last year growing close to her again. Only to lose her because of the same damned thing that always drove a wedge between us!! :-(

Well, if nothing else, Jenn can finally breathe a sigh of relief now...*sighs*

Bleh...

Blogging has...become a...CHORE!! :/

So MUCH is happening...on an almost daily basis...& it seems I have even less time than I did previously! :/ *sighs*

In a nutshell:

1. Jenn will be here in about 2 weeks. *grins nervously*

2. Kat...& Ben...well...complicated...as usual. lol

3. Work! ACK!! Working on improving our internet presence so a lot of nights I'm doing "homework". Plus...DRAMA...as usual. *sighs*

That is my life. For what it is...

Self-Worth Much?

Yesterday was a little chaotic. LOL. As everyone started coming in (Cindy, Kelli, Claire & Amanda), they were bringing in boxes & bags of all the books they collected at SIBA. Me, Stacy, & Amanda worked ALL day on processing them. We're making a display on the front counter shelves of all the new stuff. I'm gonna post something on FB about it today.

I went over to Amanda's at 7 for dinner & to pow wow about what we need to do with the website, FB & Twitter...as well as how to handle Cindy with kid gloves so we can do what we need to do to keep the store alive. Amanda let me in on something though. She didn't want me to get pissed but she felt she needed to tell me. And I didn't get pissed. But...anyway. So Friday, when all of the dramatic texts were flying back & forth between Stacy & Cindy about us getting to go to SIBA on Saturday...Amanda says Cindy was getting uber pissed off. She made the comment that if the next text that came back to her WASN'T that we were gonna work the store the next day & just be cool...she was gonna leave the show, go to the store & ONE of us was gonna go home...for GOOD. That someone...was gonna be ME! WTF?! lol I wasn't involved in the texts at all!! I was telling Stacy after the 3rd text, that I was fine at the store & to just drop it. It was Stacy who was so freaking adamant about getting to go to SIBA. *sighs* Fuck my life!! But the texts that Stacy was sending to Cindy was dragging me into the situation as if I was balking at not being able to go, too. I wasn't. And...apparently Cindy feels like Stacy is more of an asset to the store than I am. I have no idea why!! But that's her prerogative, I suppose. *sighs* I think Amanda & Kelli know better though. Not that what they know means shit to Cindy. :/

I'm an extremely unassuming person & I almost NEVER sing my own praises. That's the reason I suck so bad at job interviews!!! I certainly know what I'm capable of. I know what I do on a daily basis. I figure...anyone who pays attention will see it, too. For the most part, that works in my favor!! Amanda said last night...I have the ability to NOT look like I'm busy but I get a shitload of work done. Stacy has the ability to look SUPER busy & get absolutely nothing done. *sighs* I don't know how to adjust that. It's just how I am. :/ I generally (since I got fucked over so bad at City Mattress) do NOT show anyone my potential so that I *DON'T* get taken advantage of. Even at my own detriment, I guess. *sighs* I dunno. I don't know how to NOT be me. I'm not going to get all up in Cindy's face & PROVE to her what I can do. It's pointless to do that with her...cuz she doesn't *GET* anything about anything any one of us does to begin with!! Shit...*sighs* Whatever. I dunno. It is what it is, I guess...

Rest of Weekend...

Saturday, Stacy & I ran the store. Alone. Again. It wasn't bad. Except that it seemed like the day would NEVER end! Bleh. It wasn't dead but we weren't extremely busy either. But we did a decent day, money-wise.

Sunday...I did NOTHING. Recuperated from the week. That's it. Traded texts with Amanda a lot of the morning...much of it, her apologizing for seemingly trying to overstep me...& the rest of it, discussing the changes that need to happen at the shop. Then she invited me over for dinner tomorrow night so we can do a pow wow.

I had a couple of *moments* with Kat on Saturday. lol The kind of stuff that makes me think. *chuckles* I'm glad she is still a part of my world. I'm content with the way things are between us now. I'm not sure I have *EVER* been content with her before...that's kinda odd to think about! LMAO

Both Saturday & Sunday were...uhh...strained with Jenn. Her age...ok, well not her actual AGE...but her youth...has really been proving itself this weekend!! :/ I swear to the Gods...I just absolutely don't get her mindset or way of thinking about things sometimes! I mean...I *remember*...when I was her age & how I thought about things & it's extremely similar. But...shit! I'm too old for this!! LOL *sighs* Today especially...has been her doing one stupid thing after another. I *get* the predicament she was in...but she absolutely refused to listen to me. At all. And, of course, I felt helpless. I could only help via advice in text...but she wouldn't listen. She's gonna drive me insane before I even MEET her...FFS...

SIBA Starts...

So, yesterday was the 1st *official* day of the SIBA Trade Show. There were classes & various interactions happening all day long. Cindy, Kelli & Amanda were attending. Stacy & I ran the shop. The day was pretty quiet. It had it's moments but overall, it went smoothly. Lori was in & she drove me & Stacy insane, trying to "help". She can't help cuz she hasn't got a clue but she kept butting her nose in store business like she knew what she was talking about! Ugh. Claire came in for a little while & put the few flats away that we had stacked up. We got 2 orders in. Stacy processed them on the counter. The day was going relatively well--was just going to be LONG since we were opening AND closing. But THEN...the drama started!! Fuck me!!

There has been some question all week long about who was going to do what today (Saturday). The ORIGINAL plan was for Cindy & Kelli to be at SIBA. Amanda, me & Stacy would run the shop. Amanda was to open cuz she had to leave early to take care of the boys while Dan worked in the evening/night. Stacy & I would close. However, early in the week, Kelli kept saying she really didn't want to be at SIBA so she would come work the store & Stacy & I could go & actually experience SIBA (since what we got--the seminar on Thursday--really is NOT a part of the SIBA festivities). Problem with that scenario though was that Amanda needed to leave early & that'd leave Kelli alone on a Saturday to close. So on Thursday while Stacy was talking to Cindy on our way home, Cindy said she really didn't need to be at SIBA Saturday since she went last year with Judy...so she could come home & be in the shop with Amanda & Kelli. That way, Amanda could still leave & Kelli wouldn't be alone. Soooo...anyway...the texting started...the drama associated with what was happening today. It got ridiculous pretty quick. Stacy & I were both fine with WHATEVER. Yes...we'd LIKE the opportunity to actually experience SIBA but running the shop was fine, too! But somehow...somewhere along the line...it became an ISSUE. So it was offered to Stacy for her to go to SIBA...but she didn't want to go without me. So we finally told them, nevermind...we'll stick to the original plan...me & Stacy would be at the shop at 10 & close...no big deal. Well...WRONG! Cindy flipped out that we wouldn't be at the store for opening & we're both like WTF?!?! Is Amanda not going to be there??? Yep. It had been decided when Stacy said no to going by herself that Amanda & Kelli would both stay for Saturday. Uhh...so what does that mean? Stacy & I are stuck running the store alone yet AGAIN...on a Saturday! We were pissed. But we were pissed at the drama not the circumstance & pissed that Amanda was all of a sudden now going to stay at SIBA. *sighs*

The drama continued a little bit after I got home. Amanda made a snide comment on Stacy's FB status...that neither of us responded to. And NOW...since she's gotten some info...she's all gung ho about Twitter & she wants to share all of this info with me!! Fuck her. We got all of this info on Thursday. We have pages & pages of notes on this stuff. We both already know what changes need to be made & what to talk to Cindy about. We GOT this!! Without ANY of Amanda's input. Amanda won't be the one that is tethered to the internet marketing. She rarely gets on her OWN FB...nevermind expecting her to put the time & energy required into promoting the store!! She can keep her 2 cents worth of opinion...

I feel like Stacy & I got shafted. I am in no way open to Amanda now trying to put her mark on the *PART* of SIBA that we did get to go to. She got the FULL adventure. Don't take what we got, too...

Since Kelli & Amanda are both definitely gonna be gone from SIBA on Sunday & that's when all the grunt work happens (getting the boxes & boxes of books to bring home)...Claire had offered to go help Cindy. I had offered, too. But NOW...fuck her. I'm not giving up my Sunday. Nope. No way. No how.

SIBA Internet Marketing Seminar

Got up at 4:30 am. lol Had to be ready to go pick Stacy up at 7:45 to head to the seminar we were doing today at the SIBA Trade Show. We found the hotel just fine. As soon as we turned onto A1A, it was right there! hahahaha We got there & we were the only ones without name tags! :/ Only Cindy, Amanda & Kelli are in their records. We had to sit at different tables cuz there was assigned seating...lol. Anyway, so they had breakfast sat out so we ate til about 9:30 & then the day started. 1st guy was an independent internet marketing strategist. 90% of what he talked about, I already knew. It was the same stuff my mom had taught me. We had a short break & then he finished up before we had lunch at noon. Started back up at 1 with the Assistant Director of SIBA speaking for a bit & then the Internet Analyst of SIBA got up & spoke. She gave some more info on blogging, Facebook & Twitter. I *REALLY* don't wanna Twitter but...hearing more about it now...it makes sense! :/ All of this stuff though...you NEED the smart phones with internet access for...unless you just totally have the time to actually be online...which most people don't...so they do it on the fly! But anyway...even though our butts were numb from sitting, overall...I can totally see what changes we need to make! And it won't be all that difficult to do...just time consuming. Meh. We left at 4. 4-5 pm was a segment that we really had no interest in.

When I got home, Amanda texted & said Cindy made October's schedule last night. We've all been cut to 4 days/week!! Cindy said it was either that or let someone go. If she fires Lori, she'll go to jail for her DUI. *sighs* Stacy is interviewing at BOA so...I dunno...*sighs*. I'm struggling pretty bad since messing with this insurance BS as it is!! I can't afford at all going down to 4 days/week! :/ Fuck...

So tomorrow...Cindy, Amanda & Kelli will be at the actual SIBA activities. Today was just an addition....not officially part of the trade show itself. Me & Stacy will be running the store from open to close by ourselves. There has been some talk of me & Stacy getting to actually go see the exhibits & stuff at SIBA on Saturday but we don't really know yet. It's up to whatever Kelli decides she wants to do, I guess. Or Cindy might not even go...just let me & Stacy go. Dunno. Gotta wait & see. lol

Whirlwind!!

UGH!! What a week it has been!! And next week will be even worse! *sighs*

Work has been...tense. Cindy has had major attitude all week. And it's, of course, affected all of us. She royally pissed me off on Monday. There was no SENSE in it & I wasn't the only one at a loss about it. Nobody else *got* why she did what she did either. But anyway. Claire was due in & her JOB is to put flats away. There were...I dunno...10 or 12 stacked up. That's a good day's worth...or, at least, would keep Claire busy for the time she's there. WE (Kelli, me, Amanda & Stacy) all know what needs to be done & how to do our jobs BUT...lately...we've gotten into the habit of asking Cindy what she wants us to do. Otherwise, she tends to criticize & question what we do. *sighs* So...I asked what she wanted me to do (KNOWING I need to continue with Room 4!). Ok, so...Amanda hasn't been in the garage for weeks & it was absolutely ridiculous!!! But...she had plans to work in there that day! So Cindy looks at me & tells me I should help Claire put flats away...that I don't need to pull any more excess from Room 4 til Amanda gets the garage cleared. REALLY?! The 500 boxes of excess that need to go *somewhere* (donated to whichever cause) that are in front of the door is what is in Amanda's way...NOT what I am currently pulling! So...right away...I was perturbed. There's NO need for Claire to even be there if I'm putting flats away! Cuz what'll happen is...in 2 hours, there'll be nothing for either one of us to do! Then Stacy suggested I stay on counter & process while she finishes the front case (like she's been trying to do for a week) so I was like sure, no problem. Cindy turns to me & extremely caustic, asks, "Is there a problem with putting flats away?!" I said no, grabbed a flat & walked off. Fuck this!! So what happened then? Claire went home at noon...2 hours after she got there...cuz...there was nothing left for her to do! *snorts* Whateva!

Tuesday & Wednesday...Cindy was just as bad...apparently. I had been able to escape into 4 so I missed the most of it...but everyone told me about it. *sighs* I didn't go to Book Club Wednesday night. ALL I wanted to do was just lay down! :/ Cindy was off on Thursday. It was just me, Kelli & Amanda. I opened at 8:30...Amanda & Kelli came in at 10. At 3ish pm, Amanda decided she was too sick to stick out the rest of the day so she went home. I stayed til 5:15, til Kelli broke down the 2nd drawer. You can't do that & wait on customers, too. Made for a REALLY long day! :/

Friday. OMG. The chaos started early in the morning!! Thursday before I left, I *thought* we'd decided Kelli & Amanda would come in at 10 & I would open. So I texted Stacy & told her she could come in at 9 or 10...her choice. She opted for 9. Right after, she got a call from her dad & made dinner plans with them since she was getting off early. Then Kelli texted & said she never heard from Stacy about when she was coming in. Stacy never got a text from her about it so of course she didn't respond! lol Within minutes, Kelli was knocking on my door! She & John were closing on a house that night & she needed off early so she was going in to open. I was like...ughhhh...whatever! If Amanda doesn't last the entire day, *I* will stay & close with Cindy--no big deal! FFS! When I got there at 8:45, Kelli said she'd told Amanda to come in at noon so that she could close. *sighs* So everything was set...but the tension was STILL present! Whateva! OMG! Then later, I was in 4, minding my own business, doing my job. I've made it to the back wall now & was on the bookcase closest to the corner, where the outside door is that we NEVER use. All of a sudden, the door starts opening & Kelli walks in, scaring the shit outta me! LOL She didn't want Cindy knowing she was coming back there to me...but...Cindy had asked her if I was having money problems & commented to her that she was going to talk to Judy about lowering my rent! WTF?! OMG!!!! That is *SO* none of her business!!! And...OMG...rent is NOT the problem I'm having! *SIGHS* 1st of all, I haven't been getting the hours that I normally get! My paycheck has been about $100 less than normal! I've also been having these fucken insurance premiums being deducted! With the decrease in pay...the insurance is making me SHORT for the month! ARGHHHHHH!!! I've been trying to get the insurance cancelled but the premiums are continuing to come out anyway! Which is pissing me off! I called BCBS on Friday & they can't find me as a member in their system! So I contacted Marty (agent) for him to find out what the problem is. He's been utterly useless.

Sooo...anyway...after a week of hell...I have an *actual* FULL weekend off! :-) Saturday AND Sunday!! ;-) I plan on doing *nothing*! *smirks* But...next week...is gonna be pure chaos!! Ugh. We have SIBA, Thursday-Sunday. Stacy & I are going Thursday. Cindy, too. But the rest of it, Cindy, Amanda & Kelli will be going. Which means...Friday, I believe it is...Stacy & I will be running the store entirely alone. UGH! I'm not looking forward to this week at all!

Andy has been pulling childish, moronic stunts with Sara & Ben. *sighs* He's now royally pissing me off cuz...I guess...I dunno...I'm getting "protective" of them. :/ He's creating stress for them & I don't like it. But there's nothing that I can do. I want to tell him off so bad, threaten him...*something*...but I fucken CAN'T. She won't let me. But...in a way...I'm glad he's pulling this shit. Way back when, she was so SURE that I was evil & vindictive & would do stuff to her...which I NEVER would've even contemplated! It is almost vindicating that this little piece of shit is proving to her that I was never what she thought I could be...& also proving to her that she made the *right* choice in letting him go. She tries to defend him by saying he's in pain & is just lashing out. Yeah...I was in pain & lashed out at her, too. DIFFERENCE being that I lashed out at HER! Not Ben. Not anyone else. I didn't even think about affecting her real life in any way. There's a massive difference! I wouldn't be surprised if this punk tries outing her in her job, etc. I hope not...but it wouldn't surprise me at all right now. :/ I don't really know WHY...but the more things that I learn she did with him or for him or whatever...the more...uhh...dejected...??...I feel. :/ She completely went ALL out with him...in every way possible. And I...can't help but feel...completely rejected & just...fuck...whateva...it makes me even MORE apt to not fall for her lines again. I am very well aware of what she gave to me...& it was NOTHING...ever...compare that to this fucken moron &...well...*sighs heavily*...just reinforces what I've felt for so long...that I never meant *anything* at all to her. She proved it in her actions. Over & over. And now, all of a sudden, she claims she still loves me & wants to get us back on track somehow. Ben is completely on board this time. Right. Forgive me for being completely disbelieving. :/ To make matters worse, Ben teases & flirts sometimes & I'm at a complete loss at how to handle it! 2 years ago, I wasn't allowed to be like that with her. I'm STILL not like that with her NOW...but I'm supposed to somehow react to him??? No. I don't know how. I don't think I could even *imagine* going to another level with them until Andy is complete history. At ALL! It's a trust issue. It's...a creating a solid base FIRST before anything else happens...issue. *sighs* I dunno. They will tire of me not truly responding to them soon. I'm aware of that. But I can't do anything til I'm truly *ready* for it. It's always been about "bad timing" for us. That's not gonna change...

Anyway...the HIGHLIGHT of my week has been Jenn!! We've reached that plateau of going as far as we can online, etc...& we're in a holding pattern til RL happens. It's NOT an easy place to be!! The tension creates issues all its own! :/ She bought her plane tickets on Friday so the visit is now *OFFICIAL*!! We just have to survive til she gets here! :-) I WANT her to be here. I WANT this to go forward...not just stagnate. I WANT everything she keeps promising. It excites me. It thrills me. It scares me! But I NEED her. I need her to be true. I need this to not just be words, or promises or suggestions or...whatever the word is that I'm looking for. I guess...I just need to know that someone truly cares about me. :/ That's sad but...*shrugs*...I've been so conditioned otherwise. And I'm STILL getting proof that I'm always replaceable...that I need the affirmation. Even if just for a little while...*sighs heavily*

Beach House!!

So I was asleep shortly after 1 am...lol...that's BEYOND rare for a Saturday night!! But I knew I had to get up early this morning. Plus, I was exhausted. Been a helluva week with work &...emotional stress. :/

I turned the alarm off at 8 am...& went back to sleep! ACK!! Woke up at 9:07 & jumped up & got ready & met Cindy at the store at 9:30! LOL We left my car there & I rode with her. We went directly to the beach house. It's not hard to get to at all! :-) It wasn't anything like I was imagining! I had the *typical* beach house in mind. It's not. It's a regular house a few blocks from the ocean. It's at the end of a cul-de-sac by the canal. I would SO live there in a heartbeat! LOL It's gonna be soooo freaking *perfect*! ;-) Then we drove a little ways in both directions along the beach. Then on to Good Will to shop for books...HAHAHA!! ;-p Then she drove me to The Loop & Bulow Creek State Park. At the park, is one of the oldest living southern oak trees in the country! It's over 400 years old & so incredibly AMAZING!! At best guesstimate, it's about 60' around the base of it!! Then we were on the way home & Todd called her. He's on patrol & noticed an empty car parked at the store plus a mustang there with people in it. She told him the empty car was mine & that we were almost back there. LOL!! Her son being a deputy sheriff means the store is under constant surveillance! ;-) So when we drove up, he had the squad car diagonally parked in front of the door & the mustang was leaving the parking lot...LMAO!

OMG...I can't wait til October & Jenn & I get to vacation in a little spot of awesomeness! :D There's no internet there either! *smirks*

Got all my chores done this weekend, too. Amazingly enough! ;-p Almost 5 pm...& I haven't got anything else left to do tonight...unless I decide to have dinner! *laughs* Closing tomorrow so I'm going in late.

Poly Chaos!!

Jenn & I had a long, terrible, miserable discussion last night about poly. Specifically, about me being involved with Ben & Sara. *sighs* I still haven't fully processed it cuz I went to sleep almost as soon as it was over. But...my initial thoughts...

I am attached to Ben & Sara. I always have been! I fell in love with her over 3 years ago & I still love her...even though it's not the same as it was back then. So much has happened since that it's been damaged, changed, evolved into something else. But it's still there. I've had a couple very short intervals of time that I allowed myself to get attached to Ben as well. And I'm in the process of a 3rd go around with him. I care about him. It's not the same as Sara. But there's no way that it could ever be the SAME anyway. It's not possible to love any 2 people in the same manner. I love their girls. I love their dog! lol I even got attached to her dad, FFS. I am attached, irrevocably, to their entire family unit. Add in the D/s element & things increase. I can't describe that aspect. Just like I couldn't describe the sky to a blind person. It just IS what it is. That being said...I am IN a relationship with them currently. Friendship. It's way beyond *just* friendship, but that's what it is right now. If it ever starts to become anything like it was back in the day...I will put my walls back up. I can't do it THAT way again. It wasn't healthy for me. I am not *PLANNING* on becoming intimate with them any time soon. Just like I'm not planning on still being alive tomorrow! This is gonna evolve & become whatever it's meant to be. On it's own terms. I have a set guideline that I hafta adhere to or otherwise, I will feel taken advantage of & will feel like I'm just their toy. I don't know if that guideline can be met or not. That will come in time. Plus, I'm 3000 miles away from them! It's not like it's an easy thing that's gonna just randomly happen.

Jenn. Yes, I love her. She is a HUGE part of my world! It's not the same stupid, giddy, ridiculously in love like it originally was with Sara. Sara was my 1st love. Nothing can ever touch that again! It's not the same as what I feel for her now. It's not the same as what I feel with Ben. It is it's OWN entity. She makes me happy. She makes me feel needed, wanted, adored. She makes me feel important. She doesn't hide me. She makes me feel like this love thing isn't all just a crock of shit! She makes me dream of a future. She makes me laugh. She gets under my skin. She makes me feel not so ashamed of myself. She makes me feel like I deserve to be loved & be able to love in return. I think that's the biggest & best part of it all. We still hafta meet in October...& no matter what I feel now...I will have a better idea of what this can be like after then. I'm in no way confident but I have a very good feeling that we will be good together & for each other. But it's a waiting game at this point. We just hafta wait for it & see what happens.

I knew Jenn had contemplated a poly relationship in her past so I thought she understood the concept. It's not like I've actually *lived* the lifestyle...but I'm open to giving it a shot. That is something that is entirely based on trying it to see if you can emotionally handle it. There's no other way to do that. But, I'm still confused...she was willing to give it a shot...but she absolutely refuses to let me do it. It's a control thing, I think. She wants me to herself. She wants me to need only her. She's accepted that I love Sara & she can deal with that. She can't deal with me having sex with them. Sex is not a high priority for me. It never has been. So the whole concept is lost on me. I'm in it for the entire relationship. It's not about cheating on her to have sex with them. It's not about them taking me from her. She's 100% convinced that if I have sex with them, Sara will steal me from her. :/ Sara has her own life. She knows I need to have mine, too. Nobody is stealing anybody away from anybody else. Jenn made the comment last night that me being with her makes it easier for me to be with Ben & Sara. And while that sounds horrible...it's kinda true. I can't conceivably be the 3rd for Ben & Sara & that be all for me. I don't get what I need from that. I get left out & I get pushed aside. I become their toy. However, having Jenn, completes my world. That sounds selfish of me now that I say it. :/ But, I dunno...Sara couldn't ever be content to just have me. She needs Ben. Jenn needs me & she says that's enough for her. I wonder sometimes though. And it worries me. Both sides of it. I will have a huge gaping hole in my world if I lose Sara OR Jenn!! Me needing Sara, too, hurts Jenn. And what if, at some point, Jenn realizes she needs more than just me? Ahhh...*sighs*...it's ALL pure conjecture at this point!! None of us can say what this is going to turn into. I guess...I just needed to have the freedom to choose NOT be taken from me...however, if I'm given an ultimatum & I hafta choose between Sara & Jenn...OMG...

Community Property...

LOL!! Well...after work today, I went to Wal-Mart & picked up the coffee pot Jenn bought & had shipped there! ;-p She says we're married now! *chuckles* It's for when she visits...she drinks coffee daily...lol...but she's not taking it home with her! ;-p It'll be here for when she visits again. lol

*DIES*

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, so...Jenn & I have *been* planning a night's stay at a hotel on the beach while she's here. I only know of one...the one mom took my grandmother & aunts to a couple of summers ago. I loved it but it's over $100/night. So...cuz everyone I work with is from here & travels & knows EVERYTHING...hahaha...I waited til Stacy, Cindy & Kelli were all close by this morning & asked if they knew of any nice hotels on the beach for less than $100. Stacy & Kelli started giving me ideas. Then Cindy asks what am I looking for one for. Stacy starts laughing & showing out & says it's for when my girlfriend comes down in October! ;-p Cindy immediately yells out "MY BEACH HOUSE!!!" *dies laughing* They just bought this beach house on the other side of Daytona a few weeks ago. They're still in the process of cleaning it up & decorating, etc. She was telling me a little bit about it & it sounds freaking *perfect*! :D 2 blocks from the ocean but down there...it's the epitome of beach front living so the 2 blocks is more like...you're basically on the beach anyway. haha It's apparently got a fenced in back yard on the canal with gardens in front & back. Completely furnished--just need food, she says...lol. There's a hammock in the back yard. I can bring Bastian with us so I don't hafta worry about getting someone to come in & check on him. And, apparently, the guy they bought it from, had pet squirrels & he just let them go when he moved...GRRR...but she says I have to give them peanuts every morning...hehehe...that will be AWESOME!! ;-) She & Mike are going over there on Sunday to do some painting, etc so she wants me to go with her so I can learn how to get out there & to actually see the place. :D I can't wait!! She said I could stay a day or 2 or the whole time Jenn is here, if I want...but she's certain, we won't want to come back to my place once we've been out there...ahahahahahaha!!!! :D And...they're all telling me to take Jenn to St Augustine, since it's soooo close to the beach house! ;-p Jenn discovered they have a ghost tour there so I guess we're for sure sure gonna try that! :D OMG...I can't wait...*dies*

Labor Day Weekend...

hahaha I'm really starting to slip with this blogging thing! ;-p I'm not even gonna TRY to play catch up but I'll hit on a couple of things that are on my mind...heh! ;-p

So...I'm scheduled to go to SIBA on the 23rd. With Stacy (maybe?) She doesn't even wanna go at all so I'm not sure why Cindy has her going--I wouldn't waste the money on her going if I were Cindy! o.0 But whatever. Cindy will go every day, of course. Anyway, the 23rd is when they're doing the seminars on Twitter & online marketing. haha

Speaking of work...one day last week, Lara Adrian became a fan of our FB page! :D It has been totally COOL talking to a *celebrity*!! hehehehe I've never read any of her stuff but Amanda says she's pretty awesome! ;-) I don't read anymore...period! lol I never have time for it! ;-p

More regarding work...I hafta cancel the insurance. *sighs* I simply can't afford the premiums. I could always move back to living with my mom & I'd be able to afford a LOT more than I can now...but, yeah...NO, THANKS!!! I enjoy being my own person way too much...I just hafta make better choices...in what I have or can have. :/

Kat put me through a slight panic. It's all ok now though. Well, I guess it is...haven't talked to her in a couple of days! Things can change hourly with her! LOL *shrugs* I'm steadily drifting away from them but I'm still attached. I dunno...I feel "safe" in drifting. It's what I NEED atm & she has enough going on in her world right now anyway. They need to reconcile with each other more than anything else! I don't want to be in the middle of it...or hafta take sides...or be a crutch for either one of them. I need to experience this relationship with Jenn more than I need to be toyed with...whatever the true feelings are...I end up feeling toyed with. There's no certainty or stability. I dunno how to explain it without it coming off "negative"...

Tanya & Sean moved back to Jonesboro. They're in their new house now but no internet as of yet. Can't wait til she has normal access again! ;-) You know, I will ALWAYS hate Sean...but I'm glad she's back where she has friends & family. She craves that so much! My only hope is that Sean has figured out how to grow up & be a husband/father. I don't give a fuck what happens to him in his life...but I *AM* concerned about Tanya & Cooper!

Jenn had a pretty busy weekend...haha. And she's so bad...LOL!! She spent most of her time with family on the phone with me! ;-p I talked to one of her uncles...LMAO! OMG...that was nuts! ;-p There's been quite a bit of *revelations*...on her end. Stuff she didn't want me to know about. Other people continue to give her grief over it so she expected me to do the same! :/ If it changed *anything* about the way I feel...it only made me realize she deserves to be happy even more than I'd already figured out!!

I'm back to smoking regularly & totally off the diet. Meh...*shrugs* Still trying to figure out what to do about those 2 things but whatever...

Some days...Jenn's visit in October can't get here soon enough. But some days...I'm afraid for it to get here! SOOOO many insecurities about that & what all is involved...& what happens afterwards. I remember vividly...how I was the day before, the day of...walking off the plane & seeing Kat. I remember my dreams & expectations. Hopes. Desires. The *LIFE* that I'd created in my mind. I also remember the moments all of that died. I remember the year & a half of being numb cuz of those deaths. It's not something I wish to go through again...ANY of it. I don't want the happiness & dreams if it's just gonna die...

Anyway...*sighs*. Everything happens for a reason. Whatever is supposed to happen...is gonna happen. I just wish I knew I had a choice or a defense against it...

Weekend be GONE!!

UGH!! Was a HELLUVA weekend!! I'm soooo glad it's over!! :/

It all started Friday night with this dumb chick leaving an inappropriate comment on Jenn's FB page. It upset me & pissed her off. That was an all night long issue. :/

Saturday, at work...UGH! Cindy pissed me off towards the end of the day. I spent 3 freaking months reorganizing room 3 & have been working on room 4 since. But I was putting flats away Saturday afternoon & found out just how much of a WRECK room 3 is in!! It pissed me off cuz Claire is not doing her job properly. It was mentioned to Cindy & her response was "Well, you haven't been in room 3!" WTF?! I just gave her a dumb look for a minute & then looked at Kelli. SERIOUSLY?! Kelli backed me up immediately, stating that *I* shouldn't be the only person that knows how to put books away properly to avoid the mass chaos & overcrowding that occurs! But she just doesn't GET it...at all!! It's like talking to a brick wall. At that point, I was over it & went home. Done. I do NOT want to repeat this process of 6 months of work reorganizing these rooms in another year cuz people can't fucken put books away the RIGHT way to begin with!!! ARGHHHH!!! But wtfever...*sighs*

So, yeah, I left work & went straight to Amanda's new house. Mostly to SEE the new house...lol...but REALLY...she offered up adult beverages & I was *SO* there at that point! haha The house is just AWESOME! Love it!! But Dan hurt his back again Friday night & has been down ever since. He is LITERALLY crooked! I almost cried just looking at him...OMG! And she's had the boys all weekend by herself basically since Dan can't do anything...plus, still trying to move! :/ Eep! Gage came out & was being my friend (getting me to pet him). He's not usually that friendly with me. Champ is my favorite & is usually the one that will come to me but he hid most of the time. I'm more at ease around Champ. He at least talks! Gage does not. Both boys are autistic, by the way, if you're getting lost here. lol Champ is 8 & Gage is 6 or they may be 9 & 7 by now--not sure! Anyway, the whole time I was there, they were being quite bad...tearing stuff up, etc. They collapsed one of the beds by jumping on it & I helped her fix it. I went home after a while & spent time with Jenn...in & out of SL. AFTER we had a long phone call.

Was getting texts from Kat off & on. At some point, late in the night, I did something I shouldn't have done. But it was out of desperation & concern. I don't know if it helped or hurt matters yet but it upset her some. I simply do not know how to deal with the situation anymore...just on my end of it!! And it bothers me hearing her upset all of the time. Sooo...I made a choice. Time will tell. Anyway...I laid down at 7 am Sunday morning but was still basically awake when Amanda started texting me at 9 am. I finally fell asleep sometime after that. Luckily, I'd put my phone on silent after Amanda cuz my phone started blowing up around noon. I didn't get up til 1 pm. And it blew up all damn day!! Kat mostly. *sighs* I went over to Amanda's around 3ish pm. Her dad & stepmom were there when I got there. She'd already dropped the boys back off with their mom. Dylan was leaving to go somewhere. Dan was still down & out. So I helped her bring in their huge ass computer desk, a big chair & a coffee table from the garage into the house. We had more adult beverages!! haha Dan's bird, Chewbaca, became my buddy. He stayed perched on my shoulder for about 30 minutes or so. lol I've always been kinda scared of him before so I've never held him really. But he talked & sang the whole time! lol Gave me kisses & even pooped on me! ;-p Then we discovered a little family of finches outside & we sat out there & watched them for a while. She fed them. They were so cute! ;-) Then I went home & spent time with Jenn in SL. I was out like a light by 10:30 pm! haha Phone was still going off til 2 am! :/

Bastian woke me up at 4 am though. I was due to get up at 5. *sighs* I opened this morning. Nixon came to visit late Saturday night...helping Manda move those few things yesterday...yeah, well, it didn't make for a good combo!!! My EVERYTHING hurts!!! So I came home today at 1 pm. When Jenn goes to work, I'll do kitty litter, wash dishes, fold laundry from Saturday night & dinner...then I'm hugging the heating pad the rest of the night. :/

Lazy Day Off...

hahaha Jen & I were on the phone for over 6 hrs last night! ;-p I didn't go to bed til after 4 am...*smirks*

Got up at 1 pm finally. Then STILL got nothing accomplished! lol Wasn't even Jen's fault! *giggles* I just...wanted to veg. I'll do laundry & stuff on Sunday. Got texts from Amanda & Stacy throughout the day. From what I gather, the day at work was...bad. *sighs* So I'm not looking forward to tomorrow & I just wanted to relax today... :/

Got several texts from Ben today. Kat was working--getting ready for school to start back up. But then she kept showing up on Yahoo--both accounts...but I dunno if it was actually her. Last week, I'd messaged her when I saw her on one day & Ben texted me saying she wasn't home. So, yeah, even though I HAD more confidence in messaging her 1st...I don't anymore. :/

Jen & I had a long discussion last night about Ben & Kat & the whole poly issue. I think I'm finally figuring out my hesitance about them. She would let me go to them...if I wanted to. But I don't think I want to. Not right now. I'm too afraid of being their "toy" or being in between them still. Or...the simple fact that they aren't consistent. I need the stability!! I can't do the yo-yo thing anymore. It makes me insane. And THAT'S the reason I continue to hesitate!! But if it ever gets to the point where they TRULY know what it is that they want...it'll be a discussion for all FOUR of us...not just them...& not just me...

GRRRRR!!!

Ok...so the weekend pretty much SUCKED!!! hahaha Withdrawals from smoking culminated as of Saturday. I went out 3 times to get JUNK to nom to keep from smoking...& all 3 times, I had to fight a mental battle to NOT buy cigs while I was there!! *sighs* But...I didn't give in...& I guess that's a plus...lol! ;-p I couldn't sit still for shit. I didn't sleep like I wanted to either. It would've been easier if I had! :/ The cravings weren't as intense on Sunday. I spent a lot of time talking to Jen...& that helped. :-) Gave me something else to concentrate on...haha. But...OMG...I've gained like 6 lbs from all the CRAP I ate! Sheesh. I think I will wait & go back to the diet on the 1st...make a whole new fresh start with it. Get this quitting smoking thing under control 1st. Ick. :/ I'm wearing my last patch today. Hoping it'll help push me over that edge of being psycho...*chuckles*

Cindy should be back to work on Friday or Saturday. I may be opening most of the week but Kelli was off Saturday (since it was her birthday) so we didn't get a chance to figure it out for sure. I'll go ahead & open this morning & then we'll figure it out when she gets there. Cindy was telling Manda & I on Saturday that she really wants each of us to spend a day at SIBA at the end of September...culminating with all of us being there on Sunday--the last day of it cuz that's when the trade show part of it is open & all of the booths are out, etc. Kelli was saying that Judy always paid for people to go to it in the past but we have no idea what Cindy's gonna do. You have to pay to park, food while you're there, etc. Hotels for staying over but that's kinda dumb since it's in Daytona...so I dunno...guess we'll get all of that figured out the closer it gets to time for it to happen. *shrugs* I would imagine since we'll be off work to go, she'd pay us as if we were at work?? Not sure...we'll see...

Jen & I discussed her trip here in more detail. I'm getting excited about it but...still...a little freaked out! ;-p After all...my only REAL *experience* with this sort of thing was Kathy &...well...I wasn't exactly receptive to her at all. LOL!! ;-p Plus, Jen will be on my turf...not me being in a totally foreign situation...which I think will help. We'll be here at my place for the most part. But we'll most likely get a hotel room at the beach at least for one night--that will be awesome!! It has been...*thinks*...hmm...shit...maybe since Pensacola since I spent time at the beach at night (which I've always loved the most) & that was in 1991! haha Then there's the Halloween party at Da Vinci's which will be freaking AWESOME if it's anything like it was last year!! :D All the girls really want to meet her, too. ;-) Which helps a lot, too. It's extremely ODD being with someone that everybody I know is in approval of!! *smirks*

Speaking of...I spoke to Kat a few times last week & each time, she was doing some random thing that...finally made me realize...I am sooooo *NOT* suited for them! At all. :/ I've always known the politics thing would be an issue. But...I have NEVER been one to be influenced by status enhancers (LOVE the BMW but...I have a thing for nice cars just not for the STATUS that they bring--why I've always picked on her about the Subaru...haha) But, really...the country club membership??? Come on!! *rolls eyes* Yeah, yeah so she says it's so they can play golf...*dies laughing* Ok, so I've always sucked at sports. And...well, I've played putt putt golf & that was fun but REAL golf...no, thanks! And the bowling league? Yeah...there's the sports thing again. I attempted to bowl a few times when I was a teen. Fun cuz it was just that...for FUN! But It's not something I can learn & improve how I play it. lol And the camping thing...yeah...NEVER!!!! No matter WHAT or HOW they went about trying to involve me in that! *laughs* I wouldn't be adverse to going to visit them for several reasons. I want to go back to that part of the world cuz I fell in love with the area & the weather there when I was there & I miss it. I'd love to see the new house. I'd love to see the girls & Bella. I'd truly love the chance to hang out with them & just get to know each other...FINALLY. I guess I still have the need to prove to Ben I'm not evil. I never was. I never had any bad intentions before. I want him to get to know me for me & not as a jealousy issue or a threat to him. I want to get to know her for her & not as a cold fish spaz that she was at the time. But...that's the extent of it. :/ I don't want to go there, KNOWING they will tag team me into doing something I don't really want to do. Because I'd certainly give in...I always do in that kind of situation & I would anyway just *cuz*...but it's been 2 yrs since there was anything even remotely intimate between us...I can't just jump straight back into that! And she doesn't understand that. I was never certain about him even way back when. There's no way I'm ready to even contemplate it now. I still love her & she knows that. A part of me always will. But I have to keep that separate. I owe it to Jen to keep it separate. I've found something with her that could turn out to be REAL & be what I *need* & if I were to go off & lose my mind...all of that would be ruined. I'm not ready to throw her away for one of Kat's whims...I'm well aware that Kat only truly cares every so often & not always...I need more than just occasionally...*sighs*

ARGHHHHHHH!!!!

So...umm...yeah...it finally dawned on me today...

I've been sick to my stomach & cramping, etc for several days now. Feeling *odd*...like nervous, anxious, skittish...like I have fucken ADD...times 10! All I wanna do is sleep! Went to bed at 9:30 pm last night...10:30 night before then! Eating whatever I can get my hands on (diet has flown out the window!!). I can't sit still for shit.

And it dawned on me...I haven't had a cigarette in 5 or 6 days...DUH!!! *sighs* Then the light came on...haha...withdrawals...detoxing...ughhhhhh!!! :/ It's nowhere as near as bad as the last time...which, ironically enough, was almost exactly 2 yrs ago (Sep will be 2 yrs). But, I also had Tanya, Sean & Coop around so I didn't spaz out as much. The cravings aren't as intense but the munchies are HELLA worse!! I just really wanna sleep til I get over this hump...really!! :/ I may try to dope up so I'm in & out of consciousness tonight, tomorrow & tomorrow night...*sighs* I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin right now...but even that isn't as bad as it was 2 yrs ago! lol *shrugs*

Cindy is gonna be gone most of next week, I think. Her & Claire are sposed to fly out tomorrow. She paid me her portion of the insurance premium the other day so I've got my phone bill covered...YAY!!! *whew* But...I may hafta borrow some cash before payday...if these munchies keep up like they have been...*SIGHS*...OMG...this is getting ridiculous & needs to be over SOON!! :/

ACK!!

Yesterday...sheesh...I already had a *DAY* before I even got to work!! Bleh...

I'd gone to bed at midnight as per usual. I was still awake at 1 am. Bastian started playing & woke me around 2ish & played til I got up at 6! By 8, I could barely keep my eyes open so I texted Cindy & Kelli about going in at noon. Then I napped til 11.

When I got up, I decided to call Blue Cross, Blue Shield. They've been calling for "more information" for a few days now. So I called. They're wanting actual blood test numbers from when I was diagnosed with anemia last year! They tried calling the dr but the line was busy. So now I hafta call them & get the numbers & call BCBS back! FFS!! I'd forgotten why I've never bothered with insurance too often in the past. It's all BS...

After BCBS, I called T-Mobile. Fuck me! Long story short...I can not do anything & let the auto pay try to take my payment as usual & get a $35 insufficient funds fee & phone deactivated til it's paid (& that's not counting the $29 insufficient funds fee from BOA!)...OR...I can deactivate the auto pay for a fee of $5, phone deactivated til I pay them & pay a $35 reactivation fee!! Umm...RIGHT!! Soooo...I'm taking the money I had stashed to pay my car license renewal (due Sept 12) to the bank this morning to deposit so it'll be there when T-Mobile's auto pay hits this weekend. *sighs*

THEN...I went to work!! hahaha ;-p Actually...work was fine. Amanda was in Room 4 with me. She finished up the series wall & is starting to work the shelves from the end. We'll meet in the middle somewhere...lol.

About the time I got home, I started getting texts from Ben. LOL!! He was saying I was gonna get more treats than tricks this year (referring to Jen coming here for Halloween!) haha Then Kat came on Yahoo for a minute before she went to text. I swear...the 2 of them were ON something!! *laughs* ;-p I asked her if she was drunk...*chuckles* She's pretty adamant that I'm coming to visit them. Me...I'm still in the "it's a slight possibility" stage...lol...*shrugs*

Got on cam for the 1st time with Jen! ;-p I *HATE* being on cam...gah!! But it's whatever! ;-p

Amanda texted & said she needed to leave early today so I needed to close with Stacy...lol. Oh, well. Book club meeting tomorrow night. Haven't read the book & I have no idea what I'm taking (food-wise). Meh...life is beginning to crowd me a little bit at the moment... :/

Oh Boy...lol

Work today was FINE!!! And it was just me & Kelli. It wasn't nuts but stayed busy. We couldn't wait til 4 pm! lol Cindy came in 1st thing this morning for a while. She pissed me off as she walked in the door, spouting off about processing that needed to be done. I basically ignored her the rest of the time she was there...

We go back to regular hours on Monday. Looks like I may be able to regularly go in at 9 & get off at 5! :D

Now for the REAL news!!! hahaha Umm...I think Jen & I have basically decided she's coming here for a visit for Halloween. :-) Nothing is set in stone, of course...but we're already planning!! ;-) La de da...*giggles*

Just Back the F**K Off!!

O. M. G. Talk about days from HELL! *sighs*

Ok, 1st...I woke up from an extremely bizarre dream at 2:30 am. I don't even remember most of it now except bits & pieces & remembering that it absolutely made no sense! lol Ok, 1st of all, I *rarely* dream!! Out of those exceptions, almost NONE of them are ever weird in any way! hahaha Anyway...Bastian realized I was awake & proceeded to play until I actually got up at 6 am! *sighs* I never really went back to sleep. :/ So, by the time I got to work at 9:45, I was already not at peak level!

I walked in the door & all hell was breaking loose!! Apparently, Cindy came to work with a stick up her ass a mile long!!! Ok, let's get some background info here for a moment: Yesterday...Cindy was off. We sent Stacy home cuz she was freaking death warmed over! Amanda was working in the garage (this is where we keep all of our back up excess), organizing the wall where the hardbacks are kept cuz you couldn't get to anything the way it was without hurting yourself! That left me & Kelli on counter. Ok. The DAY itself was fucken ridiculous!!! No, we didn't have a lot of sales. But the phone rang nonstop, people were in & out of the store, had us running around looking for shit & then didn't buy, it was a "dump day" (meaning--people bring shitloads of books in & donate or trade in), we got an order in (not a regular one but a school order plus some special orders AND some magazines). Kelli & I had equal time on the registers & phone & dealing with customers. We both did parts of checking in the order. We both dealt with the dumps...even Amanda got involved in one of the big ones (multiple boxes of books---we had TWO of these at the same fucken time!) I processed all of the paperbacks we got in. Kelli was pricing hardbacks as much as she could in between the other 400 things going on. Our work table was literally PILED with hardbacks & trades this morning that we didn't get a chance to get to. Cindy walked in & saw this & IMMEDIATELY went into a tirade about "nothing got done yesterday"!!! WTF?!?! Amanda had already holed herself in the garage by the time I got there & Stacy was just giving me the "looks". When Kelli got there, Cindy tore into her. I was in the garage with Amanda when Kelli came back there...her 1st words..."What the HELL?!?!" Yeah...so Amanda decided maybe I should say something to Cindy...so up I went. Told her, FLAT OUT...the day was fucken ridiculous & we busted our asses alllll day! It's not like we were sitting around having a party...FFS! I'm still knee-deep in this Room 4 project but since she was having a freaking cow, I asked Cindy if she wanted me to help process the hardbacks & trades to get them out. Her response was some snide/sarcastic comment about how we just need to process the crap that's piled around & quit pulling shit from everywhere else (referring to the multiple projects going on in the store at the moment). That just went all over me!! I can't fucken do MY JOB in room 4 without pulling!! I was over it at that point, took my shit & went to room 4 to do my job that I know how to do & she hasn't got a fucken clue!!

Cindy has had the store for almost a year now & she STILL refuses to listen to us, trust us, be AWARE that WE know what the fuck we're doing....when she doesn't! It's gotten extremely old & over abused. We're all just about over it, her AND the store!! She's gonna be up a creek if/when we all walk...she needs to just back the fuck off & let us do this...

The tension was sooooo thick all damn day that you could cut it with a knife! That's NOT an environment that I enjoy!! I was pissed off all day & hurt like hell. I carry my stress in my neck & shoulders (where I got hurt in the car accident)...so it makes for NOT fun times when I get upset like that. *sighs*

And I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow either. It's just me & Kelli. Cindy has a skydive thing to do. Stacy has her cousin's wedding to go to. And Amanda has the boys. Come THE FUCK ON Saturday @ 4 pm!!! *sighs* I'm done...with this week....already! :/

Back on Counter!

*sighs* Cindy, Amanda & now Stacy have been passing around a cold! UGH! Today was Stacy's day to call in. I told Cindy if they get me sick, I'm killing all of em! lol I don't wanna be sick!! She laughed & said that'd be ok cuz I'd be putting them outta their misery! *snorts* Shit!! Well, that just won't work!! haha Amanda was late today, taking Dylan to school to get her locker & stuff & then running around doing stuff for her mom. By the time she got there, we had lunch & then the order came in! By the time that was all taken care of, it was 2:30 & then too late to go do anything in room 4. *sighs* I hate the fucken counter. Really I do...

2 weeks ago, Cindy sent me home with a stack of erotica advances she wants me to read so we can decide if we should order them or not. I haven't had time to even look at them!! But...she was asking about them again today so I'm gonna try to start one here in a minute. *sighs* I've only got 1 chapter of my book club book read & we meet next Wed! Crap. lol *sighs* I need to win lotto!!! Dammit...

Everyone at work keeps randomly asking when I'm gonna let Jen come down here. *laughs* I dunno! ;-p Not sure I'll ever truly be ready for that to happen...it'll just hafta happen & I'll be forced to deal with it. But that's not a good scenario either so I really have no clue...

Ok...off to read erotica...yay...*snorts*

Oops...

Completely lazy day!!! lol Oopsies! ;-p

Didn't go to sleep til sometime after 8 am...haha...so I didn't get up til 3 pm! Didn't attempt laundry cuz it was so late. :/ I can make it til Sunday! ;-p

Sooo...SL, last night after Jen got home from work was...uhh...interesting! ;-p Her ex is lashing out at her. She'd gone to the studio earlier & took down pics of me & Jen & replaced them with pics of her & Jen! That set Jen off!! She's been trusting her not to do anything stupid & has still been trying to remain friends with her--which I knew about! Cierra showed up at the studio during the quick staff meeting Jen called to explain to the others about rights being revoked. I thought I was gonna faint when she showed up! It's the 1st time I've seen her since Jen & I hooked up (not counting that 1st night! LMAO) She didn't stay long! *smirks* After that intensity, Jen & I invaded Lily's house! lol OMG...this girl has me so completely outta my comfort zone sometimes! ;-p When we finally got back home, I noticed that Cierra had been at the house!!! :/ Jen fixed it but...still! :/ After all of this, I think it finally dawned on Jen that she never had a reason to worry about Kat! Which, is very refreshing!! Takes a LOT of stress off of me! :D She was shocked that I was still with her after all of this. Meh. It's not that amazing really! :/

I've been...hmm..."trained"...to be on the sidelines! Not that that is a good thing at all! Let's see...everything that was ever shared with Lou was done on the sly cuz Polly (her RL wife AND my chain sister in SL) was *always* around! With Lee...I always took a back seat to every Tom, Dick & Harry in SL!!! And with Kathy...Becca was always the most important. She never even told her when I was staying with her! And...*obviously*...she's STILL has not told her anything cuz Becca messaged me the other night in SL!! lolol Geez...that was weird! ;-p But it's been Kat who transformed how I react to being in that situation. :/ I was always #692 on the list of things she needed to do...regardless! From day 1, I've always been petrified of Ben. I *KNEW* that he had all the power...always. And I was right, of course!! :/ When she went & messed around with Spektro...I fought tooth & nail for her!!! I won, in the end. But, really...did I?! *sighs* Then...well...Andy happened. I'm really not gonna go into all of that or my feelings about it but...all of a sudden, Ben & I were in the same boat. Except, at this point, I was already resigned to my place. It hurts but I know how to deal with it now.

I simply don't fight for it anymore. And I told Jen that. If she wants to go back to Cierra, she's free to go. My feelings have NEVER mattered in these issues & after 3 years...I've learned how to get past it. I let them go & do what they've gotta do. If they come back, so be it. If not...it's whatever! I guess the bottom line is...I don't make anyone my everything anymore...when all I am is an option. I learned that the hard way. :/

It's funny...I keep discovering new ways in which I've changed over the last year & a half. When will it ever stop?? lolol *shrugs*

Back To *Normal*...

Well, the remnants of last week are slowly dissipating. Thank Gawd!! Jen & I had a 5 hr...erm..."discussion" Saturday night. :/ That was super annoying! I swear to Gawd...neither Kat nor I can have a relationship that *doesn't*, in some way, mirror what we had! WTF?! She gets the same reactions she used to get from me & me...well, hell...I've turned into HER! *sighs*

So Jen & I are ok. We're back to normal, pretty much. :-) Much, much better this way! lol But, if you know me, then you know...that now that I know what's possible...I'm now waiting for it to happen again! :/ *sighs*

Kat has been keeping her issues to herself lately. :/ I dunno if that's good or bad really. Bad cuz I haven't a clue what's going on. Good cuz...well...I dunno a good reason. Though she did call me last night to tell me they bought a BMW. *snorts heavily & laughs* Yep...just MORE affirmation than what she gave me last week that I'm so way outta their league...heh! ;-p But...it's ok. I'm not dreaming of being in their league anymore. I took off the rose colored glasses a long time ago. I just still need her to be a part of my life regardless...

Haven't heard from Ben in days. Heh. Knew that was gonna happen! ;-p

After over a week being stuck on the counter, I *finally* got to go back to Room 4 today. Yay (sarcasm). *sighs* I've so completely lost ALL of my motivation for that project! :/ Or maybe I was just tired today? Dunno...

The diet...is actually working. *shock* But I still dunno if I can stick with it...meh!

I signed up for the health insurance at work & the premiums have already come out of my account. Erm...I didn't think that through well enough!! :-( I have 3 weeks to go before I get paid again & I have less than $40!! Crap. Gonna hafta do some major juggling...& phone bill won't get paid this month...ack!! 1st time in almost 2 yrs!! *SIGHS* Rent & car were paid on the 1st so I'm good really...just won't have a phone, I guess...til after the 1st. lol Shit...I need to win lotto!!! :/

Yay...

No drama allllllll day long! YAY!! :D Hopefully it's over now...*ponders*. Got nothing else accomplished today though! lol Now I'm ready for bed. ;-p

I think this is the last week of our summer hours at work. *pouts* I'm so not ready to be there til 6 everyday again! :/ 5 was really nice!! lolol Geezus...this summer went by FAST!! :-( But...honestly...I'm ready for cooler weather...though we won't get that til December probably. :/

FFS...!!!

Guess the drama isn't over after all!!! *sighs* Whatever. I can't deal with it. Peace out...

UGH...

Ok...well...it's been too long to play catch up but let's just say...UGHHHHHH!!!! :/ I'm so over it. :/ The drama. The emotions involved. And that's just with Jen, Sara & Ben!! I'm not even touching work!!! ;-p But...it seems things might be trying to calm down a bit now...THANK GAWD!!! *sighs* I've been going to bed super early last few nights cuz of it. I just have gotten to the point where I'd really rather not deal with it at all. :/

I've given up (momentarily) trying to quit smoking right now, too. Too much stress to attempt doing that. :/

On a lighter note (no pun intended)...I *officially* started the new diet yesterday. Meh. It's whatever. We'll see what happens...

YAY!!! Weekend!! Soooo ready for a day off! :/ Then I'm off on Tuesday, too. No plans for tomorrow really. Tuesday will be laundry. lol

Kat~n~kit

Heh...soooo..."Kat" & "kit" may be back. We stopped using those nicks a long time ago. Even though...Sara has never been anything but Kat to me! In my mind, it's what I think of...whether or not I actually refer to her as that or not. And any time she'd slip & call me kit...would just kill me! *sighs* I have to consciously THINK to call her Sara. It's a huge effort. lol But...she wants to go back to them. So, of course, I will. I just...*sighs*...I don't want it to allow me to be blind again & perhaps get blindsided. So I'll still hafta control it somewhat...after all, the names come from *that* place which renders me uber vulnerable...bleh...*sighs*...just wait & see, I suppose.

Nixon is visiting. Yay. Couple weeks early so he's kicking my ass. :/ So I knew I wouldn't be able to work on the Room 4 project today or I'd pass out. Stayed on counter instead. They're all marking the calendar that I VOLUNTEERED to do the counter...ROFL!!! ;-p Meh...whateva, beeyotches!! *snickers* But...it was super slow all morning so Cindy let me leave at 2. FB is now caught up, meds are kicking in & my ass is gonna SLEEP!! haha Peace out, ya'll! ;-p I'm off tomorrow so I don't even care how my patterns get messed up. I just wanna sleep til this passes...haha

DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so the whole weekend was drama!! :/ I fucken *HATE* drama!! And the last time I had drama was with Lee (she was ALWAYS drama!). I haven't missed it in the least!

So what was the cause? Meh. *sighs* Jen got freaked out about Sara. And Ben & Sara freaked me out! LOL But...that's neither here nor there really. One day at a time. Just...take it all...one day at a time. Keep telling myself that. Because...no matter what...I'm smarter this time! I think...lol! ;-p Even though I feel like I'm *home* again with talking to the both of them, Jen is the other side of that pendulum. She's not ready to be in love. Neither am I. And that's ok...isn't it?! Best of both worlds here in my hands & I haven't got a fucken clue as to what to do with it...hahaha! Sheesh! :/

SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMFG...shit, shit, shit! Yeah...umm...SHIT just about covers it!! o.0 That's pretty much all I've got to say...heh...oh, except maybe...FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! *sighs*

On a higher note...maybe I found the incentive to really quit smoking now...o.0. Meh...we'll see...

It's 6:30 am & I'm about to go to bed. Been in SL with Jen all night. Of course. lol I have GOT to do chores tomorrow (erm...TODAY!)! My brain is in overdrive. *sighs* I'll worry about chores later... :/