7/14...

So...umm...yeah...it's 7/14, by the way!! o.0 It turned out to be not such a big deal this year. *shrugs* I didn't realize the date til I'd been at work for a bit. The date dawned on me a couple of times after that, too...again...no big deal. Just a flash of memory & then it was gone again. I'm only blogging about it cuz...I'd already built it up to be like the last 2 anniversaries were...complete torture!! :/

Mom showed up at the store this afternoon. Brought Bastian this little yellow duckie that quacks by motion sensory! haha She didn't tell me she was coming & I was just working away in Sci Fi. I'd just grabbed a stack of hardbacks to move & around the corner, a paperback fell on the floor. I looked at it quizzically for a moment & then went to put my hardbacks away. As I was doing that, another paperback flew off the shelf just around the corner form me & that's when I thought I had ghosts!! LOL Then she comes around the corner, laughing! ;-p Damn duckie is already annoying me!! Quacked all the way home & Bastian hasn't even gotten to see it yet! LOL I'll give it to him later & video it. :-)

Got off of work & went over to Amanda's. She gave me some muscle relaxers (we'll just see if they happen to help any!) & we had "coffee"...lol. "Coffee" is the slang term used in our group for pot. ;-p My 2nd time doing it. Still not a big deal but made me EFFIN sleepy, dude!! hahahaha I'm ok now though (sorta)...now I'm just bored! *smirks* 1st night that Jen has had to go to work since we hooked up...& I'm bored!! hahahahaha That's just funny. I've been complaining about how I've not been able to get ANYTHING accomplished...hehehe...cuz of hanging out with her every night! lol I'm gonna watch a movie, I think. Maybe I should nap?! She's gonna wanna be up all night cuz I'm off tomorrow...haha.

How'd THAT Happen?!?! o.0

Ok, so yesterday pretty much sucked. And the 14th is holding the promise of sucking. EXCEPT...hahaha...something has *happened*. ;-p

Last night, about 7:30 pm, I got an email notice from the Studio (SL) in email. Jen was calling for a staff meeting at 9. Since it wasn't supposed to last long...I figured...what the hell!! So I went. Once it was over though...*laughs*...I was getting ready to leave & Jen started making the moves on me! WTF?!?! hahahahaha We've been FB friends for months & months now & never been anything more than joking around. *snorts* To say I was shocked...would be an understatement! hahaha But, for whatever reason...I played along with her. ;-) But...me thinks...she may not be *playing*! Come to find out, she orchestrated the whole meeting to get me inworld! haha She's been trying to come up with a plan for a couple of weeks now...*smirks* I...uhh...kinda got a girlfriend at this point...*laughs*. OMG...she's ME!! Erm...rather she's the ME that I *used* to be! :/ I dunno what this is but...I'm just gonna let it play itself out. We played in Yahoo this morning before I went to work. When I got home, I went in SL with her for several hours. *chuckles* I'm still listening to her personal stream (she DJs inworld, too). :-) This is fun. I *remember* this...feeling. Heh. Though it's not as intense as it *should* be...part of my whole numb/lack of feelings I've been dealing with the last several months, I'm sure. *sighs* Plus, I'm trying to figure out her game...since it all came completely out of the blue!! :/ Perhaps she'll prove to me that not everyone is a game player...

OH!!! *dies laughing* The BEST part of it all...she's...freaking 20 years old!! ROFL!!!! I have been giving Sara TOTAL SHIT for her 21 year old boy toy!!! AHAHAHA...CRAP!!! Well...hell...there goes that! Bleh!! *snorts & dies laughing again*

7/11...

7/11/07...3 years ago today...the day that was the beginning of the end for me. The day Lynny introduced me to Sara in SL. 7/14...will be an even WORSE date to get through though. That was the date i originally submitted to Her. *sighs*

I only just realized that...this *date* has probably subconsciously been wreaking havoc with my soul. I knew the date(s) were coming up...but it wasn't something that I was going to consciously DEAL with!! So...instead...my body & soul have been reacting to it subtlety. It's why I've wanted to do NOTHING but sleep! If I'm asleep...I'm not thinking!! :/ And so, of course, I've gotten absolutely nothing accomplished today--except sleep! Was up at 8:45 this morning but was out again by 11:30. Didn't get up til 4 pm. It's just after 6 & I am ready to go back to sleep! :/ I see now that this is gonna be a total shit week!! Even though I'm not actively dealing with the emotions...my body is still going through the emotions. If EVER I wanted time to just fly by...that would be *now*...

TGISN!!!!

TGISN = Thank Gawd It's Saturday Night!! hahahahaha

It's been a hella long week! :/ I have issues doing 5 days in a row anyway--especially when I'm working on a project! My body isn't fully recovered from the Room 3 Project (not sure that it ever will be! lol) & I've been reorganizing Sci Fi all week (with the exception of Wed when Stacy & I ran the store alone).

Plus, Nixon has been visiting & it's been a really bad one this go around! Been really weak, light-headed, nauseous, *emotional* (ACK!!!) & utterly exhausted! :/ Most days, I've felt like I've been on the brink of passing out...been too hot back there in the corner where the a/c doesn't circulate. And the last 2 days, all I've wanted to do is just SLEEP! Bleh. We were closing at 4 today anyway but by 2:30, I just couldn't take it any longer. I was OVER it...completely! So I came home. Napped from 4-7 pm...lol. Now I'm thinking...finally got caught up on FB...time for a movie! Amanda gave me a book she wants me to read. Maybe I'll start it after the movie.

Tomorrow is blessed Sunday! :D But I've GOT to do some cleaning! Really. I can't slack off on doing it. hehehe We'll see what happens though! *snorts* I've got SIBA emails to go through (they've been sitting in my inbox since Wed already!) The Furry One has been super needy the last few days so I need to have some quality playtime with him. :/ I need to clip his nails, too! And mine...HAHAHA! ;-p So much to do...so little time to do it! :/ Did I mention...I just wanna SLEEP?! *sighs*

I Just Don't Get It...

No matter...how *MUCH* I want to be closed off, evasive, distanced, protective of my own being...I dunno...the MOMENT I get to talk to her...I am *immediately* transported to another place & time when I felt alive, warm & fuzzy...I felt...COMPLETE...& WHOLE. *sighs & cries* It doesn't matter that the conversation isn't about "us". I don't want it to be about us...really! It's about Ben. Or about Andy (that *still* hurts). It's about whatever. It simply doesn't matter...cuz I am whole for those few minutes regardless. :/ And it only just dawned on me tonight...that is WHY I keep giving her chance after chance to be a part of my life. I crave that fucken misguided, stupid-ass *feeling*. Even though I know, without a doubt in my mind, that it won't last. And when she *forgets* that I exist...that I will wait...through the torture...for her to remember again. I guess the key is...to figure out how to curb that intense feeling from happening. I'm gonna hafta think on that one...

But, for now, I'm going to bed. Stacy & I are opening again in the morning. 2 more days & it'll be Sunday! Yay!! It's already been a long week. :/

Oh, Yeah...

I just hafta add...

On a *good*...BUSY day...with a FULL crew...we pull in $1000. As nerve wracking as it was, me & Stacy...the 2 LOW men on the totem pole...pulled in over $1000 today!! ahahahaha For those that truly *understand* what a BUSY day for us is...we did a fucken damn good job today!! :D

Looooooong Day!!

I had just woken up this morning when I got a text. You *KNOW* when you get texts at 5;15 am, it's NOT GOOD NEWS!! Ugh. Was Kelli. She's sick. And Amanda & Cindy were off today. Soooo...me & Stacy opened AND closed! Ack. It was fine until Cindy dropped by for a visit & then it went nuts & pretty much stayed that way the rest of the day! :/ Claire came in & put flats away. Savannah came in, too. We could've done without her being there though. It just made for an extremely long ass day! *sighs*

Day of Recovery...

Got up at 8:45 this morning. I didn't really sleep too well last night. I wasn't really feeling all that well when I went to sleep. Kind of nauseous & my head was *still* pounding pretty bad (combination of almost no caffeine all day, all the banging & smoke from the fireworks, alcohol, & not eating til 11 pm! lol)

I got up & did 2 loads of laundry. Then I planned on going to Wal-Mart...but I changed my mind! haha Have I mentioned I *hate* going in there?! *smirks* But there is NO other alternative! :/ *sighs* But...I can still put it off for a day or 2. Heh.

I had half of a leftover rib for lunch!! LOL Holy hell...I've STILL got 4 more servings of ribs left! ;-p the baked beans though...are now gone!! haha

Went into SL for about an hour. Jen was having the Grand Opening of the photo studio & she wanted as many of the models to be there as possible. After an hour, I was bored to death! :/ I only knew Jen! haha Me & strangers don't get along so well! ;-p So I left...

So then I napped from 4-8 pm! ACK!! :-( Yeah...I'm paying for that now! However, I took some sleeping pills so hopefully that'll counter it a little bit & I'll go to bed at a semi-decent hour.

I JUST NOW remade my bed with the clean sheets from today...hahahaha!!! Yeah...I was starting to wonder if I was even gonna put em back on today! *snorts & laughs* Today has been really low-key & I am just...TIRED. Having 2+ days off in a row is SUPER nice but...ehh...it makes for a horribly long week ahead! :/ I won't be off again til Sunday.

Sara texted me a happy 4th greeting yesterday around 5:30 pm. Of course, I didn't even SEE it til 12:15 am, when I got home!! haha Phone was in my purse which was nowhere near me alllllll evening!! Oops...oh, well. :/ Meh...she prolly didn't even notice! After all, she was never the one concerned with whether she got responses (timely or at all) even. I always feel *obligated* to respond to her as quickly as possible. It's just one of *those* stupid "rules" that comes along with the D/s territory for me. :/

Bastian has gotten sick 3 times in the last few minutes now!! :-( He's starting to worry me. It's all bile--nothing is actually coming up. And he never does that! *sighs* Hopefully he'll feel better in a few minutes...

4th of July...

I got up at 10:30 this morning, to my phone beeping...lol! Texts from Amanda & Stacy. Amanda giving me directions to Dan's parents' & Stacy telling me they were doing their thing today, after all. That's when I decided I'd go hang out with Stacy...even though she said it'd take 10 hrs to smoke the ribs...hahaha!! So I messed around on FB the rest of the morning, cleaned kitty litter, did the dishes, took a shower & finally got over to Ryan's at about 3:45. Me & Stacy went to get some fireworks, beer & Woodchuck's (for me). Was back at the house long enough for one Woodchuck & decided we needed bug spray (Off!) & I needed cooler clothing than what I had on. So I ran to CVS for the Off & then home to change & then back over to the house. We just hung out then, listening to music, talking, doing some of the fireworks. One of Stacy's sisters, Ashley, & her boyfriend, Ryan (too! lol) dropped by around 10 pm. Shot some more fireworks. Finally the food was ready & Ashley & Ryan left. We ate, played around a little bit longer & then it was midnight & we were all whipped...lol. They sent me home with leftovers. I have enough ribs to last me a month!! LMAO But...OMG...it was so delicious!! Which...surprised me. I've tried ribs a couple of times before & have never liked them! ;-)

Tomorow...is laundry. And a *possible* Wal-Mart run. Definitely laundry...Wal-Mart may hafta wait! lolol I hate going there...*sighs*

I need to sleep so I can get up at a decent time...to do laundry...hahaha...ack! I'm tired as hell but still wound up! :/

Another Long Weekend...

We were only open from 9 am-2 pm today. WooHoo! :-) AND...we're closed on Monday!!! hahaha Judy woulda NEVER done that! ;-p

After work, I went & got my hair done...FINALLY! Ha! The cut was what I wanted but she didn't do the color like I wanted. I wanted the all-over auburn with bold blonde highlights (like I had it last summer). Instead...she blended both colors...so that it's auburn with subtle streaks. But...it's COOL! I really like it! :-) She styled it straight--my hair is naturally curly & is NEVER straight...haha!! But Stacy says she's gonna teach me how to straighten it. *smirks* Yeah, I spend less than 5 minutes on my hair...so we'll see! ;-p

Amanda has been inviting me (for a couple of weeks now) out to Dan's parents' farm for the 4th. There's supposed to be a huge mass of people there all day & then they're doing a bunch of fireworks when it gets dark. Although most of the people that will be there, I already know...meh...I know OF them really & am not entirely comfortable around them. So...*shrugs*...I dunno. Then today, Kelli mentioned she may be going out to Judy's timeshare on the beach & I could go with her. That's tempting. I dunno who all would be going--she almost made it sound like it'd just be her. Then I get home & mom has messaged me, inviting me over for burgers & to watch Tooth Fairy (which I've already seen--TOO cute!! haha) THEN...just a bit ago, Stacy started texting me & inviting me over to Ryan's for BBQ. The only thing with her's though, is she's not sure if it'll be tomorrow or Monday yet. I'd lean more towards going to Stacy's than anyone else. I know her peeps & am comfortable around them (well, as comfortable as I get anyway...haha) Soooo...I STILL have no idea what I'm gonna be doing!! *snorts* It'll be a spur of the moment decision, I suppose...whoever contacts me 1st! ;-p

Bleh...so...umm...I've gotta quit smoking again. :/ Not because I *want* to & not *FOR* somebody (like it was the last time)...but cuz I simply can't afford it! *sighs* I've been buying them online but, apparently, Congress passed the PACT Act, which prohibits tobacco products from being mailed!! FUCK ME!! Argh!! *sighs heavily* I was getting them online for HALF the cost I can buy them at a store. Fucken ridiculous, dude! :/ Whatever. But...I'm not gonna quit cold turkey like I did last time & totally jack up my system. I'm gonna wean myself off of them this time.

Amanda really hit the nail on the head the other day...it's taken me a year & a half to regain some semblance of a "life" back. She says she's been watching me opening up, venturing out, doing new things, going out with peeps...over the last year. I can't let myself regress now! And that's exactly what'll happen if I don't stand up for myself & be honest with Sara about what I need. The bond that we had...isn't the same. I can't go back to where I was. Even though, somewhere...deep, deep inside...I *know* it's still there & can be called upon at any given time...She broke it by failing to do Her *job* of protecting me & taking care of me. I don't owe her any more effort on my part. Mine is there...ready & willing...but it's being protected by ME right now. She's the one that has to regain the trust & respect. I can't do it for her & I can't just blindly give it to her...cuz when I do...it'll be MY fault then--whatever happens next. I will be allowing her to hurt me. I guess I always DID allow it anyway. *shrugs* But I was blind & stupid in love with her...I had no ability to control anything. :/ *sighs* I wish my brain had a fucken delete button so I didn't have to deal with this...

SL Murder Mystery...

So I only slept from maybe 1 am-5am last night. Any guesses why? :/ *sighs*

Got to work at 9 am...wondered where the hell everybody was...got inside & Kelli reminded me it was Friday! LOL I didn't technically hafta be there til 10! HA! Oh, well...no biggie...I left at 5! ;-)

Got home, did a bit of FB & then dozed from 6:30 pm til 8 pm. Had to get up so I could go in SL to do that research study/murder mystery game! It was fun but I was lagging terribly...made it a bit frustrating...haha.

Sara contacted me...finally...last night. It's been 3 weeks. I don't know what to make of the convo. I simply stated what I feel but I don't think she gets it. Even though she agrees that friendship is a 2-way street...I don't think she *gets* it. Our "friendship" is solely based on whenever she remembers to make contact. It's always on her terms, only things that ever matter is whatever is going on in her world...I can't contact her. A) I'm petrified of Ben. B) She won't respond back anyway. I just...I've FINALLY gotten to the place where I'm tired of constantly being jerked around at her whim. I still respond immediately to her. And I just can't take it anymore when she's gonna disappear or just toy with me. I don't understand why she can't understand that. Instead...it's ME wanting her to contact me daily! *SIGHS* The same old story of the past 3 years! I always told her I didn't need daily contact--I STILL don't! What I DO need is...if we're to have *any* kind of relationship...I need to be able to trust her. I need to be able to trust her NOT to hurt me. I need to be able to trust her NOT to yank me around. I need to be able to trust her when she says something. Bottom line is...I DON'T TRUST HER! :/ And I can't learn to because she's never around. I can't just take what she says at face value, not talk to her for a month & be able to pick up right where we left off. And yet...this will all be me being passive aggressive, if you ask her about it...fuck me...*SIGHS*

Ack...

She fucken called me "kit"...*head aches*

Cindy's Surprise!!

So I napped between 1 & 3 pm. Didn't want to get up at all when the alarm went off! :/ Even toyed with the idea of skipping the party so I could sleep...but then I remembered I had the gift! LOL Oops! So I got up at 3:15...still very reluctant! ;-p

Followed Kelli out to Cindy's house. Mike, Claire & Todd have been in cahoots for over a week to throw this surprise birthday party for Cindy. We got there around 5:30 & we all parked in the back so she wouldn't be able to see any cars. Mike had picked her up at the store at 5 to take her to dinner. He got to the house at about 6:30--she was SUPPOSED to be right behind him! Instead, she went to Goodwill to shop for books, then dropped them off at the store. After 3 phone calls & us all waiting around for almost 2 hours...hahahaha...she gets home around 7:30!!! I caught her "SURPRISE" on video!! It's freaking classic, dude!! :D We had hamburgers, chips & dip, hot dogs, drinks (though I only drank Coke). Cake was super YUM & it turned your mouth blue/black from the icing!! LOL I didn't know this...but as we were heading out...I followed everyone following Mike into the garage...lol. Amanda & Stacy & Claire already knew what was up but I...was innocent! *chuckles* So...umm...yeah...I smoked pot for the very 1st time in my life with Mike, Claire, Amanda, Stacy, Kelli, Rob (& another guy I don't know his name). lol Didn't affect me AT ALL...but most people say that about your 1st time anyway. *shrugs*

So now I'm home--wide awake. New store hours started today so for the rest of the summer, I'll be going in at 9 instead of 9:30.

Wow! :-)

Before work, yesterday morning, I noticed that almost the entire parking lot at Sears was taped off with yellow Police tape & there were several cops scattered around. I had no clue what was going on til I got to work. Apparently, a man had shot himself in his car in the parking lot there & they'd discovered him around 7:15 am. That was a little bit disturbing...seeing as it's 5 minutes away from my house! :/

Then later at work, Cindy & I were outside, having a smoke. She started telling me that she wants me to go to SIBA this year! hahaha SIBA (Southern Independent Booksellers Association) has a major trade show somewhere in the South every year. This year, it's in Daytona. One of the days is going to have dedicated classes/discussions on Internet Marketing & since I am her computer geek...LMAO...she wants me to go! ;-) It's being held Sept. 24-26 so it's still a ways off. We'll see what happens, I guess...but I was still flattered! *chuckles*

I *officially* met the neighbors last night. haha I've been speaking with the man pretty much since they've been there. We speak every morning & night basically. I've seen the wife & daughter several times but never spoken to them. I actually met the daughter, Samantha. She's probably 14 or so. AND...I met Biscuit!! AHAHAHAHAHA Little Jack Russell/Bichon mix pup...TOO freaking cute!! He was sitting at the fence, watching me. Finally, he asked, the next time I went out, if Biscuit could come over...I said sure! lol Biscuit got ALL excited! *giggles*

I was gonna go get my hair done today, make Wal-Mart & Publix trips...but...I think I've changed my mind! Even though I slept from midnight til 8, I'm so freaking sleepy right now, I can't handle myself! :/ Guess I'll just nap til I hafta get ready to go out tonight. I can't talk about what's happening tonight yet...LOL ;-p

I haven't seen Ariel in DAYS!!! :-( I miss her little constant talking butt! :/ She was never really staying here--she'd just come in for visits, long enough to piss Sebastian off! lol

Sara has been totally MIA. No more on & off on Yahoo (she's put herself invisible to me, too, now, apparently). Not been any action on FB either. No texts. Nothing. And...it's fine. *sighs* I will always miss her, I suppose, but, at least, this way...I'm not constantly torn into shreds by her games. :/ It's terribly sad that she can't grasp the concept of friendship...but I've done all that I can in the last 3 years. It's time for me to stop trying. She was my last hold-out. Everyone else that's treated me dirty, I've walked away from without a glance back. Except for her. I think it was a combination of things that finally got me to make a decision. When she "flirted" that night & then the next night told me she only did it cuz she was drinking...& the turmoil that ensued...it felt WAY too "familiar" & it fucken scared me to death!! Then I watched Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist a couple of days later...what I took from that movie was this: when the opportunity presents itself...rid yourself of those people who constantly abuse you! And that pretty much did it. That's when I started blocking her from stuff. I'm *STILL* here...I will probably always still be here (somewhere)...but I can't let her suck me back in again! Not for the games. I'm so over that! If she decides she TRULY wants to be friends & will actually commit herself to it...I will be ecstatic. But not until then...

Weekend!!

Saturday...work was...work. Was just Cindy, me & Amanda there. Still wasn't quite "myself" but was better than I was on Friday! :/ Whatever. Amanda had counter til she left at 4. I just put flats away, did some straightening, then a small project of removing Readers Digest Condensed Books, placing a stack of cart books elsewhere, bringing in a small bookcase to hold the map books & a few random OLD mystery books in Room 4.

Around 5 pm, I'd decided I wouldn't go out to DaVinci's tonight. Was just dragging! :/ Got home at 6 & it was even worse! lol Around 7, I was fighting not to doze off!! haha At 8...Stacy started texting me to come out! *chuckles* Soooo...I took a shower & ended up feeling a little bit better. Got to DaVinci's a little after 9. Hymn For Her is freaking AMAZING!! OMG...I love them!! :D I didn't have any cash on me or I woulda got their CD. But...I can get it online! :D

Got home about 12:30...went into SL to find Jen. Heard her DJ for a bit & then we all went back to the studio & she ended up taking some pics. Left SL around 4:15 & finally went to sleep around 5 am! LMAO

Got up at 12:30 pm today...*smirks*. And spent a couple of hours, looking at the videos from last night, posting to FB & tagging, etc. Now...movies, I imagine. I'm still really...washed out...& my allergies are kicking my ass today. So...just gonna do the lazy thing for the rest of the day. :-)

Shafted...

It took me 3 months to finish the Room 3 project. Almost since the time I started working on it, I'd been talking about how Room 4 was next. It is a complete disaster area & excess is beyond ridiculous!! It wouldn't be anywhere near the caliber of a project as Room 3 was cuz there'd be no real moving of anything--just reorganizing & culling.

Last night, at 9:30 pm, Amanda texted me, saying I would be stuck on counter today cuz she was gonna do the garage & Stacy wanted to be elsewhere. Which...was annoying but it was whatever. I get to work this morning & find out that...Cindy wanted Stacy & Claire working on Room 4!!! In an instant, I was...I dunno...FLOORED! It set my mood for the rest of the day. :/ I wasn't dealing with the emotions...(cuz we all know how well I do that now anyway) so I was just really quiet & unresponsive all day. I dunno who told her...but late in the afternoon, I'd walked away from the counter to help a customer & came back to a note sitting in my spot. A note from Cindy. She was apologizing about not meaning to take the project away from me but to give my body a rest from the work that it entails. It helped to lighten my mood a bit but not enough to make me "ok". Stacy & Claire will hafta finish it now. I'm not touching it. I'd do it differently. After the 2nd or 3rd time of being asked on what to pull, what to leave, etc...I quit giving my 2 cents...I'm not doing the project--they are. They can decide what to do with it. *sighs* Neither of them know that room (EITHER room 3 or 4) like I do...but it's...whatever! I guess...I just feel "displaced"...& that immediate gut feeling brought back vivid memories that I've been working to bury. So it's just really not a good situation for me. :/

Cindy invited me out to dinner tonight, too. New Chinese/Hibachi place opened up & her, Mike, Claire & Tom were gonna go check it out. I actually went there...but I left. The place was PACKED!! And, I'm really not over the mood of the day so I just went back home...

Stacy is hyperventilating about me going to DaVinci's tomorrow night to hear this particular band she's been talking about for weeks. lol But...earlier in the week, I'd already told Jennifer I'd meet her in SL tomorrow night. She wants me to model for her promotional pics for her photography business. Plus, to hear her dj later on in the night. So...I dunno what I'll end up doing. Guess I'll figure it out tomorrow...

Odd...

It has been an extremely LOOOOOONG day!! Which is beyond odd cuz, typically...my off days fly by! Heh. *shakes head in confusion*

Got up at 9:30 this morning, did a load of laundry, did the dishes. That's it. I have a shitload of Watch Instantly movies on Netflix expiring on the 1st so I've just been watching movies all day!! I really wanna finish my book though so I'm done with movies for the night & am gonna read til I go to sleep. :-) Karen brought me the rest of Jeannine Frost's 1st series (3 more books) so I'll start on them after I finish this Karen Chance one I'm on now & the 2nd of hers in this series. SO much to read & so little time! *smirks*

Angel has asked me 3 times now when we're gonna go out again. *laughs* I dunno! It's really up to her--she is the one with 2 jobs, 3 kids, father to take care of, & not to mention...other playmates! haha She's talking more & more about...well, about things getting "personal". I'm still REALLY dragging my feet on that but...I hafta admit...I've given it some thought. I'm not attracted to her. I don't truly feel anything towards her either--not on THAT kind of level. But who needs love anyway?? It's all a crock of shit & is entirely over-rated anyhow!! So I dunno...go with the flow...stop over-thinking things...stop caring whether anything matters or not & just get what little excitement I can out of each day. It's a whole NEW me!! New...but certainly not improved! Actually...worse off than before the damage was done but what can ya do?! o.0 Just gotta play the hand you're dealt in life...I'm tired of being miserable & lonely just because I don't trust anyone & can't manage to have TRUE feelings anymore. It's not worth it...*sighs*

Room 3...

FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY!!!! OMFG. Room 3 is finally *totally* done...spinners & all!! While I was redoing the spinners...I actually completely stripped them down & started over from scratch...filling them back up, I wasn't just putting shit back on there. Most of them were full of crap that doesn't EVER sell...so I tried to avoid doing that, as much as possible. The problem with that though was that...heh...by the time I'd worked my way through the entire alphabet...I had one entire empty spinner & 4 rows empty on another!! haha Oopsies!! *grins* I just figured I'd dig through my boxes of excess that I pulled when doing the room & randomly add shit to them to fill them up. Kelli came up with a better idea! The 2 bookcases of Humor are totally packed (hardbacks, trades & mass market!). The mass market of MAD were in a flat under the 2nd bookcase! They wouldn't even fit on the shelf. Kelli's idea was to move that empty spinner up to where Humor is, fill it with the mass market books & then tidy up the bookcases with the hardbacks & trades. So I actually got that little project finished today, too. Problem is, both bookcases are now packed again (but not as cluttered as before) because...when we moved the Humor several months ago from Room 2 to Room 3, there were 3 shelves of Humor still left in Room 2 cuz...you guessed it...they wouldn't fit!! haha So, I moved the rest of those into Room 3 with the rest of them. :-) Sooo...that completely ate up my day! ;-p

I have felt better today. All day. Last night, before I went to bed...I made a decision. This yo-yo shit with Sara is fucken ridiculous. She goes for weeks without talking to me...& yet...she wants to be friends?! Funny way of showing it! She comes on Yahoo & immediately goes offline--which tells me she's going Invisible. o.0 I've logged onto FB a couple of times & she'll be on but is gone within a couple of minutes. :/ It all reeks of *avoidance*. Every time she does it. This isn't the 1st time!! She always has an excuse afterwards. Always. And it's always the SAME excuse. I'm just *over* it. I'm not her desperate toy on a leash anymore. I don't fucken play these games with people anymore! Least of all, with HER. Every raw emotion that I've ever had is neatly bottled up in a fragile little container...she's not going to destroy that with her mindfucks. Nope! I've worked too hard to get to where I finally am. Sooo...I'm invisible to her on Yahoo & she is blocked from seeing my wall & posts on FB...until she can figure out that friendship is NEVER single-sided...it's always a joint effort!! I walked away from a handful of people over the last yr & a half for this very SAME reason (single-sided friendships). I kept holding on to her though...just cuz...but I've decided I can't do that anymore. I'll walk away from her, too, if she doesn't quit the fucken games. And I'm not gonna fall for the same old tired-ass lines anymore. Anyway...*SIGHS*

I'm off tomorrow. Yay!! Laundry...woohoo! Bleh! lol I'm ready for bed now...7:30 pm...lol

You're Making Me Piss Off!!

I have been in an ultra pissy mood all damn day! *sighs* :/ Dunno why really. Just AM.

I'm still pissed at Cindy about Schuster. I talked to Judy about it this morning. She won't take him. Stacy & I agree...if he's sent away, he'll most likely die shortly thereafter. He doesn't do well "alone". And he's too old for that kind of stress!! *sighs*

And...being avoided...yet again...isn't helping anything either! FFS. I would bet everything I own that the boy toy isn't being treated the same. Whatever. But...she IS supposed to be moving "sometime after the 20th" &...well...it's NOW "sometime after the 20th" but who the fuck knows?! It's not now that's the issue really anyway....it's the last week & a half mostly. This fucken PART TIME, when she feels like it, friendship is getting on my last nerve...

Room 3 spinners still aren't done!! I'm gonna run out of stuff to put back on them. Then I'll just pillage around in the 50+ boxes of excess that are still piled in the corner, I suppose...argh.

1st Day Back...

I went in to open this morning & Cindy was there! *shrugs* Whatever. I figured I was opening by myself but meh...

When Kelli got there, around 10:30, I went ahead & continued working on the spinners in room 3. I'd stayed up front til then cuz it was just me & Cindy & then when Stacy got there, Cindy left to run errands. Still not done with the spinners! I think they're giving me MORE of a headache than the ENTIRE room did! lol Oh, well. Amanda was out...again. Apparently she's still sick. ??? Dunno.

Cindy has always threatened to get rid of the cats. This morning she was saying Schuster was gonna "retire". That she's sending him home with Judy. I don't know that Judy will take him!! I would...in a HEARTBEAT (cuz he's my favorite anyway)...& I wonder if Bastian would accept him better than he has Ariel since he's already familiar with Schu-Schu's scent...??? But I tell you what...the moment she gets rid of ANY of them, is the moment she will cut her own throat!! She's gonna piss most of us off. She's definitely gonna piss a lot of customers off. And...that'll be the moment I start actively looking for another job! She knew before she bought the fucken store that the cats came with it. She's not that much of a cat person. HELLO?! I've not really said anything to her when she mouths off about them. Not much bothers me up there. I let most things go in one ear & out the other & I don't get stuck in the constant drama. BUT...she fucks with the cats...she fucks with me. They are cats & they do what cats do! There is NO reason for her to get rid of them because of that!! But...let her do it...& she'll start to see her mistake...when it's too fucken late. Ill hate to have her life when it starts dawning on her...

In OTHER news...apparently, Flagstaff is on fire! Basically. There are 3 separate forest fires surrounding the city. One...is very close to Kathy's condo...if I'm thinking of the same street. Risa has been posting some pics the last few days on FB. I'm glad Terri got out of there (even though she will be back in town Fri-Wed to pick up Ponce & Floyd). I am a bit concerned about Risa, Simon, Shannon, David, Michelle & Adrian though! A *bit*. :/ Don't give a FUCK about Kathy!! *shrugs* You'd think I'd be more worried than I am...they ARE in danger! All of them! But...just another example of my lack of empathy...I'm just like...it's whatever! *sighs* I fucken despise Sara & Ben sometimes when I get a good full dose of the damage they've done! *SIGHS* I don't have a fucken clue as how to repair it myself. None! And a huge part of me doesn't even really fucken care anyway. Blast...!! WTF?! And I'm growing colder & more non-chalant by the day, it seems... Ack... :-p

Last Day of Vacation...

*SIGHS* Don't want it to end...lol

Well, today was ANOTHER completely wasted day!! :D Didn't go to sleep til like 6 am but woke up at 11 am. FB & movies all day. Storms rolled in around 4 pm, as usual, for the summer & knocked the internet out so I played Freecell til it came back up. I wanted to nap around 2ish but knew I couldn't. If I did, I'd be up all night & can't do that since I'm going back to work tomorrow. Kelli texted me & asked if I could open in the am...yippee. 1st day back & I gotta open! lol No biggie...just means I get to leave earlier than normal. ;-p Well, as long as there are enough people there to close. I dunno who's working tomorrow except Kelli & Stacy. *shrugs* So then I did dinner, more movies. I haven't read a single word in the 4 days I've been off!! That's BAD! lolol Oh, well. I dunno my next day off...I imagine Wed or Thur. But I'll hafta do laundry then. Had ZERO desire to mess with it while on vacation!! hahaha *snorts*

3rd Day of Vacation...

COMPLETELY lazy day!!!! hahahahaha I got up at NOON! *snorts* Course...I didn't go to sleep til 7 am! ;-p Played on FB, watched movies, had dinner...then it stormed & knocked the internet out for a while so...I napped 8-9:30 pm! lol More movies & FB. I have been having this issue with my Netflix Watch Instantly movies...every so often, I'd run across one that the volume was super low! With the a/c or the the fan on, I absolutely could not hear it at all!! I missed a lot of movies cuz of that! :/ I remembered Stacy mentioning something about Ryan hooking her laptop up to his computer speakers to watch movies...so I pondered that. Then I TRIED it myself! hahaha IT WORKS!!! Yay!!! No more missed movies! :D

I don't want tomorrow to come cuz...I don't want Monday to come!! :/ I'm not ready to get back into the swing of work yet! THOUGH...I hafta admit...taking this time off was the EXACT thing I needed to do!! I haven't hurt since Friday!!! *woot* But...my sleeping patterns are completely fucked up...hahahaha!! *shrugs* Oh, well...such is life! ;-p

2nd Day of Vacation...

Another chill day! Got up at 8:45 am but was napping 1-4 pm. lol Got up, got ready & met Angel at the store. As soon as she got in the car, she put a necklace on me. One that she'd gotten in the Dominican Republic. :-) Then we went to Chili's for dinner. After dinner, I took her back to her van & she followed me to the house so she could leave it here. Got back in my car & we went to Da Vinci's. Hung out there for a while. It was pretty dead but the guy doing the live music was pretty good! Then we came back here around 11:30. She hung out here for about an hour before heading out on her 45-minute drive home. It was a nice night. :-)

No beach tomorrow after all. Amanda's been sick. :/ I'm not going out there on the weekend by myself. LOL Just isn't worth it when I only go for the peace (when I go alone). Maybe I'll go get my hair done tomorrow instead. I want it like I had it last summer...

1st Day of Vacation...(Con't)

2 more things happened today that I forgot about earlier!

Pretty much the 1st thing I saw on FB this morning was Terri's post. She is adopting Vance's 2 boys, Ponce & Floyd!! She's gonna make a trip back to Flagstaff sometime in the next couple of weeks to pick them up. I was just ecstatic!! :D Those little boys will have a really good home with her. And...she'll get to hold onto a couple of pieces of Vance for a little bit longer... :D What touched me the most, however, was how she talked about pulling pics off of Vance's profile of the boys so she can keep them to remind them of their Daddy & how much he loved them. It broke my heart, all over again! *sniffs*

Then Cindy emailed me this afternoon. She wants to start a blog, of sorts, on the store's FB page, discussing random books. So I've got to look into seeing how to do that...

Ok, now I think I covered everything for today finally. lol 3 am...time for bed! ;-p

1st Day of Vacation...

Well, today has been pretty chill. hahaha Didn't get up til 10:30 & was back asleep by 2! LOL Got up at 5, got ready & went over to mom's for dinner & a movie & to get my beach chair (need it for Saturday, most likely). When I got there though...I found out they had to put Big Boy down just a little bit before I got there. *cries* He was SUCH a sweet baby boy...OMG. :-( He's had an auto-immune deficiency for a few years now. And he's had this sore on his ear that refuses to heal for over a year. The infection was taking over & they were told he wouldn't get better...so they put him down. :-( That's 2 cats to go in the last few months. *sighs*

We watched Alice in Wonderland. I was disappointed actually. Had higher hopes for it! Oh, well. *shrugs* It was still a decent movie...just not as good as I was expecting it to be. :/

I left her house at 9:30, got back to town at 10 pm & did a Wal-Mart run. What a PITA!!! They were tearing up the floors so had a majority of the aisles blocked & stuff...PLUS, the night stockers were out so they were all up in the way, too! Ugh! lol But it saved me from having to go during the day when it's crowded...*shrugs*

I finally got home & Angel & I decided that we will meet tomorrow night. We've been talking for months. Last night, she went off on this tangent about sex & stuff. It was really quite funny. ;-p I'm not ready for that...don't think I will *EVER* be ready for that again but...I dunno. I miss having intimacy & companionship with someone. Love will never truly be a factor in any relationship again. That's pretty much a given. And I'm not all that interested in sex. But...*sighs*...I want *something*...just not sure what...or what I'm willing to open myself up to again. *sighs* I messaged Amanda & Stacy to meet me at Da Vinci's...cuz I don't want to really be alone with Angel...LOL! Amanda has the boys so she can't make it...haven't heard from Stace yet. I just...I REALLY don't do this social thing well at all!! hahahaha And it's even worse NOW! o.0 Bleh...

Room 3 Project

Well, as of 3 pm on Monday, the room 3 project was *technically* DONE!!! WooHooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! heehee :D It felt really GOOD...in that moment...putting that last stack of books on the shelf! 3 freaking months spent on this project!! Today actually marks the 12th week of it. I say "technically" done because there were some remaining details to be done but the major part of the project (getting all the books back on the shelves) was done. I spent the remaining part of the afternoon Monday relabeling the aisles to the corresponding part of the alphabet. Then I put away the remaining excess in their respective spots. The only thing left at that point was redoing the 3 spinners that are actually in room 3 & the 1 spinner in room 2 that holds room 3 books. I INTENDED to get that done yesterday...but, no. haha That's how this shit goes...NEVER EVER plan what you're doing ahead of time!! ;-p Stacy called in sick both Monday & Tuesday...so yesterday was a bitch of a day with it being just me, Manda & Cindy there. I got to the Ds on my spinners before it went nuts up front. The order came in (a pretty huge one) & Manda had to do it in the back...leaving Cindy up front & it was nuts up there so I had to go up. Got stuck on counter the rest of the day. Manda left early, too, cuz she opened. But it's whatever! That's just how this goes! ;-) I am hoping to get to continue to work on the spinners today. No idea if Stacy will be there or not. At any rate though...I just hafta make it through today, book club meeting tonight & THEN...I'm off for 4 glorious days!!! AHAHAHA :D Prolly going to the beach with Manda & the boys on Saturday but other than that...I'm just gonna veg as much as possible!!! :D Come on...let this day hurry up already!! *snorts* ;-p

Another Kitty?!

I've been seeing this particular stray in the yard for the last couple of days. She was always far off though or in the driveway, etc. This morning when I got up & went out for a smoke, she was under the stairs of the porch. Came right up to me & started talking & rubbing on me. A couple more smokes with the same actions from her. Then she tried coming upstairs with me once. I put her back out though. Next time I went down, I felt bad so I took food & bowl for water down with me. Finally, I decided I'd let her come up & see if Sebastian would tolerate her. Yeah...umm...not so much!!! LOL So she went back out. Next time I went down, she wasn't anywhere around! :/ So I felt bad then. Then I went out again & Joe was outside. She came up the driveway about the same time. Talking away! lol I told him about the escapades of the day & how she'll just go up the stairs if I open the door. He wanted to see so I opened the door & up she went...haha. So we get back in here & Sebastian is still pissed off about her being in here. But she's making herself right at home. She has checked the whole place out--several times. Made her bed in the closet. Napped in the kitchen sink. Follows me to the bathroom just like Sebastian does! Gawd...I hope they don't BOTH go in there with me (if he ever stops being pissed off at her)!! There's not room for all 3 of us in there! ;-p She's my little dog...heehee. Everytime I go out for a smoke, she goes with me...then comes back up with me! She's a total love bug!! Head butter extraordinaire! Talks constantly. I think I will name her...Ariel! *grins*

Whew!!

Well...it's been an *eventful* few days! lol

For a week or so, I'd had this...I dunno...knot, of sorts, on my belly. I assumed it would be a boil. Tuesday evening when I got home, I noticed that it had popped. So unlike a boil this thing was! It popped & became this open, sunken hole that was oozing mess! BLEH!! Mom got freaked out about it being a spider bite & it *does* resemble a brown recluse bite in some ways, though not as destructive as they tend to be. Stacy was wondering if it might be a staph infection. Kinda looks like that, too. It's now finally starting to heal a little bit but it's still a oozing hole. :/ It'd be cool if it was something that would just go ahead & kill me & get it all over with! ;-p

I was off on Thursday. Cindy brought Cameron, her grandson, up to the store finally. He was born in April but we're just now finally getting to meet him! Stacy texted me to let me know when Cindy was on her way up there. He's freaking adorable!!! And looks just like Todd!! hahaha

Room 3 Project. *SIGHS* I have been shifting this last aisle for 3 days now!! :-( I have 5 bookcases on that aisle that are short...meaning, to put double stacks of books on there is a PITA. It looks tacky & because they don't fit so well, books fall off easy. Makes a mess on the floor. So I only initially but 1 stack of books on them. Well...I keep running out of room!! So, I'd have to double up the bookcase & then shift all the way down again. I have shifted twice now...& I have to do it YET AGAIN! Sooo...unless I get stuck on counter Monday, I will FINALLY finish the project!! Or, rather, the biggest part of it. I have to re-label the aisles once I'm done & then re-do the spinners but...the actual project itself will be done. THANK GAWD!! Ack.

Friday afternoon, I'm at work & Stacy comes back there & asks me if I know this guy (tells me the name from the caller ID). Nope. No clue. She tells me the area code. It's not familiar. She says this guy just called & asked if I still worked there, then asked what hours we were open on Saturday. Then he asked about a kid's book & finally said his wife was staring at him so he had to go. Bizarre!! It took me 5 minutes or so to figure it out! LMAO My cousin, Jennifer, from Baton Rouge, who I've not seen in...oh...prolly 15 years or so...has been in Orlando for a week now. Never once did she contact me or my mom to get together with them! This guy...was her hubby!! I've never met him! They've been married just a few years. Mom met him a couple years ago at a family reunion & said he's a complete douchebag. Meh...whatever! Jennifer called the store today...Stacy answered...lol. She recognized the name & # on the caller ID. Said Jen was being all suspicious-like & Stacy cut her off & said "You're Mel's cousin..." AHAHAHA Floored Jennifer!! Too funny. She said we were just a bunch of detectives up here! Stacy told her yeah, of course we are when some strange man calls & being all stalkerish...we take up for each other!! lol Jennifer told her she hadn't wanted me to know they were gonna try to come by...wanted to surprise me. Whatever. They surprised me alright...didn't show up after all! *snorts*

Friday night...are you fucken kidding me?! OMG. Hmm. Sara. So we're chatting. Her & boy toy are still talking (*shock*) but they're fighting or whatever. She was wanting advice on how to handle the situation with him. All I could do was laugh! What she was saying was like a fucken broken record from US! HA! Told her she should already know how to play this game! ;-p Then she calls me & we talk for a few. Then back to Yahoo. THEN...yep, she hit her head or something...cuz she lost her freaking mind...asks me if her & Ben want to get a girl, would I be interested. Oh...cuz, yeah, all of a sudden, Ben is now poly again...erm...OK! And there was more stuff said...that I kept calling BS on...&, yeah...wow. Just...LOLOL. Like...SERIOUSLY?! Honestly...I was laughing the entire time. She provides great entertainment, I'll give her that much! ;-p If she'd pulled this shit even 6 months ago, I woulda been a puddle on the floor instantly. But...now...all I could do was laugh. I am not the same person I used to be...when she truly knew me. That person is dead. This is what's left. I don't trust her. I don't believe her. I know she always just plays games. I most *certainly* don't trust Ben!! And she tells me he's well aware that we're friends & we talk but, you know, I can't even remember how many times I've heard that in the past & it wasn't the truth...or that he had an issue with it if he did actually know!! *sighs* But, like I said, I'm not the same person I used to be. I am OVER this...truly...or, at least, as over it as I'm probably gonna get. I'm still a sucker for her. I'm just not as apt to fall when she manages to remember that I exist...lol. I have a really hard time letting people close to me now. Amanda & Stacy are the closest things I have to TRUE friends...& they are even still on the outside of my wall!!! Intimate relationships are non-existent. I can't get close to normal platonic people...anything more is impossible. I have zero empathy. Zero TRUE emotional feelings towards people, in general. Well, anything positive, that is! I still get angry, hurt, scared, annoyed but...love, genuinely caring about someone...yeah...it just doesn't happen! Then tonight she tells me that she only said it cuz she was drinking & being flirty!! o.0 Again...even 6 months ago...I would've been a basketcase. Now...I laugh. *shrugs* I knew all along she was full of shit. It didn't affect me. I mean, not like it would've in the past. I couldn't sleep last night cuz my brain was in overdrive, trying to figure out her angle. But, still. So not the same way I would've handled it in previous times. I guess my biggest problem though is...if she ever was SERIOUS...& proved it...I'd be lost in a heartbeat. *sighs* Anyway...she wasn't & she'll never be so no worries...right??

Angel is in the Air Force. She just got back last Monday...they'd sent her to the Dominican Republic for 3 weeks or so on a humanitarian mission. They had her on anti-malaria drugs. Almost since the time she left, she was telling me that she thought she might be pregnant. Once she got back home, she ballooned! Was so totally bizarre!! I saw her on cam last night & she fucken looks like she's 6 months pregnant! But less than a month would be the actual count. She was supposed to come to the bookstore today & bring the boys. This morning, she texts me that she's hurting really bad. I told her to go to the ER immediately! Even if she's not pregnant, something FREAKY is going on!! So...she goes. She was pregnant...& was miscarrying...due to the anti-malaria drugs!! :/ Callous to say, but she's better off. She's not in a position right now to have another child...especially one that isn't her hubby's! lol

I opened this morning. Stacy came in early, too. Cindy had offered to let us go early cuz of that. Stace left around 2:30-ish, I think. I left at 3. Came home & napped since I didn't sleep last night. At 10 pm, Amanda & Stacy are telling me they are at DaVinci's so I made the split second decision to get up & go over there, too! lol Had a couple of Woodchuck's, laughed, had a good time! I needed that.

I think I'm going to attempt to take a mini vacation next week. I'm scheduled to be off Wednesday but I'm gonna switch it for Thursday, then take Friday & Saturday off...we're always off on Sunday. I am burnt out!! 3 months of this project has kicked my ass & I need some serious downtime!! More than a single day off can accomplish!! Hoping that I can work it out ok...cuz I need it. Bad.

So now that it's after 5 am...guess I'll try to sleep...lol. *sighs*

Vance...

Just found & read Vance's obituary online, from his hometown newspaper in KS. I can't find one for Flagstaff--apparently their obits aren't online?? :/ Anyway...it was a car accident. Very nice obit! And...as it listed his survivors, it named his 2 boys, Ponce & Floyd!! Of course, I started crying then. :/ The family wants memorials to be made to the Humane Society.

By her status updates, Terri is not doing well at all!! :-( I wish I knew what to say to her...*sighs*

Sadness...

Kathy's roommate (ex now-she moved out of state a few weeks ago), Terri...has had a great loss! Her ex, Vance, suddenly passed away a couple of nights ago. I don't know what happened to him. And I won't ask her. She's really struggling with this. :/ I never met him. But they dated several years ago & remained friends after. He was really special to her. I "knew" him cuz she talked about him. I "knew" him cuz, in the last yr & a half, I've been involved with convos on her FB page with him. By all accounts, he was just a really super guy. His personality & sense of humor was amazing! I don't think he ever posted anything that I didn't chuckle at! So all of this time that has passed...I DO feel like I "know" him...a little bit. I was just looking through his pics (his FB account is still open). He had 2 kittens, Ponce (named for Ponce de Leon) & Floyd (named for Pink Floyd). Super precious!! I started crying!! :-( These babies are gonna be so lost without their Daddy!! I wonder about what's going to happen to them? Who is going to take them? It's a shame that...I'm not crying about him or the pain that Terri is enduring...but, rather, the loss the kittens will feel. I mean, yes...I *do* feel bad about him & about Terri but the REAL pain isn't coming from that. I've already been saying it for a few months now...& this is ULTIMATE proof right here...I've lost ALL empathy for humans!! I have always been a hyper-sentimental person. My entire life. It was just a part of who I was. That part of me is dead now. It's actually a pretty devastating realization. I look to those who caused it with great sadness. I hope they are content with themselves. Sara, Ben, Tanya, Neenah, Kathy, Lee...thanks for literally killing a core part of who I was. You should be proud of yourselves...

*sighs*

Those precious furry babies...Vance's life being cut too short...Terri experiencing a pain she never deserved...let's all sleep soundly tonight & avoid realizing how fragile life really is. Be AWARE of how you treat people!! Tomorrow is NEVER guaranteed...

Memorial Day Weekend

Memorial Day means nothing to me except an extra day off. I don't give a RAT'S ASS about the military (anymore!!) So I had Sun & Mon off & was basically a vegetable. FB, movies, naps, some household chores but nothing that wasn't absolutely necessary! I *SO* wasn't ready to go back today! :/ I think I need a fucken vacation...

Long week ahead now to pay for having yesterday off. Bleh!! BUT...I'm in the Ss on the Room 3 project! Won't be long now!!

Oh & yes...YAY...go me!!! I'm being ignored & avoided! *woot* Too coincidental to be JUST coincidence. Besides...I have 3 years experience with this...I KNOW what it looks like! *sighs* Whatever. If she can't commit to a friendship & be an adult...that's HER problem...not MINE! Her chance at doing so is almost nil at this point...but, again, her choice...

Fuck it. Doesn't really matter anyway. Nothing matters anymore...

No More Chances!!

I am the Queen of Second Chances! Or, at least, I *was*! No more!!! I'm through being everyone's doormat. I've finally had it. I've wasted sooooo much time & energy trying to be a friend to people or trying to mend broken bridges when...all along...they were truly never WORTH the effort!! So...I'm done. ANY relationship is a 2-way street. One person cannot carry it alone. So, from now on...those people who can't seem to give but only take...they can just fuck off!! No longer will I waste any effort on those that I have been...whether I care about them or not is irrelevant. My caring about them is not going to make them be a better friend (OBVIOUSLY or it woulda worked by now!)

End of the Week...YAY!!!

2 more days to go & then it's Sunday! YAY!! I love Sundays! lol

Cindy left today, headed to Phoenix. She'll be back on Wednesday. Hopefully when she gets back, she'll have calmed her nerves a bit!! :/

Stacy still isn't working FT. And some of the days she IS working...are HALF days!! WTF?! WHY??? Whatever...she doesn't work when she's there...she's just another body. :/

Amanda is coming in late tomorrow. Kelli is working a half day & won't be there at all on Saturday cuz Trent is graduating. So Saturday, I'm opening. No biggie...

I FINALLY finished the Ms today on my Room 3 project!!!! WOOHOOOOOO!!!! Only took like a week! *snorts & dies* I made it into the Os today! ;-) I have 3 more bookcases left on that last aisle on the left side of the room. Then I'll flip over to the right side. At that point, it should be easy-peasy!! I'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel!! :D

Tattoo is healing well. It's still tender to the touch but no more fever in it. A tiny bit of it is trying to peel. :/ Dan came in today to see Amanda & he had to check its progress!! lol Everyone seems to really like it. I LOVE it! :D I already want another one...hahaha!! Just have no idea WHAT! *chuckles*

COME ON SUNDAY!!! I'm tired!! I wanna sleep! ;-p

INK!!! :D

*COMPLETELY* symbolic!! haha And turned out soooo much better than I was anticipating!! ;-)

The Simple version: My heart is forever locked away, from anyone. It's been a year & a half & nobody else has gotten in. Nobody else will, at this point.

The Specific version: The broken *red* heart is surrounded by the blackened *purple* heart. Both are *bound* by *rope* & *lock*ed away.

So I was so freakishly nervous about getting tattooed by Dan!! LOL Amanda is always bruised, red, puffy, etc when he works on her. Mike had him do a piece not too long ago & said he HURT like a Mutha!! haha Apparently...Manda & Mike are wussies!! AHAHAHA ;-p It hurt, sure. Tattoos don't TICKLE!! *snorts* But it was nothing more than the normal "hurt". *shrugs* He made up the design right there on the spot. And he didn't charge me for it!! I just tipped him!! Totally wasn't expecting that!! :D

But...the absolute BEST part of the experience...hahaha...I haven't heard from Sara since the 7th. Like I said before, she's backed off totally. I get a text from her, about halfway through the tattoo being done! HA!! The text was telling me she'd broken up with her boy toy yesterday. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! OMG. Just how IRONIC can you get?!?! *snorts* But, then again, she's always had a knack about doing this kinda ironic shit anyways...*sighs*. And it STILL freaks me the fuck out when she manages to do it again...ugh...

Don't get me wrong...I'm NOT laughing about her breaking up with her toy. Sure, I think her moving the girls & herself to TX to be with him would be her BIGGEST mistake ever...but that doesn't mean I'm callous enough to laugh at the break up. I'm laughing at the irony of hearing from her PERIOD, while I'm symbolically getting inked *because* of her & she's telling me nothing more than she's broken up with him...I'm just sayin! You couldn't have possibly planned something like that to happen the way it did! ;-)

Rude Awakening!!

Well, today has been a complete wash!! lol

Started at 5:30 am when Sebastian woke me up. That's a daily occurrance anyway but usually it's from him playing. Not this morning!! He likes being on the headboard so he can look out the window. So he jumps from the headboard to the bed multiple times a day/night. I'm used to it!! However, this morning...he jumped down on the bed in the middle (usually he jumps on the sides). And...landed on ME!! His back foot got me. He split my upper lip in 2 places & left a hole in my nose! OUCH!!! Rude awakening indeed!! :/ My nose was gushing blood for several minutes so by the time I got it to stop...I was awake! *sighs*

Stayed awake til about 8 am & then slept til 12:30. Got up. Didn't do much. Didn't do some of my leftover chores that needed to be done. lol FB, movies & reading instead! haha I haven't really eaten in over 2 days so I tried to make some dinner (at 3:30 pm LOL). Didn't eat much of it. Made me kinda nauseous. Then I ended up napping again around 5:30 pm. That's prolly gonna prove to be a BIG mistake when I'm still wide awake at midnight! haha ;-p I slept til 7:30 pm. Reading til I finally go back to sleep...

Sara has backed off...yet again. It was only a matter of time. *sighs* Whatever. I can't keep her from doing it, of course. It's just frustrating as Hell!!! Argh!! I feel like I'm still her fucken toy she takes out & plays with whenever it suits her. I can't IMAGINE treating people like that so I really don't get it. :/ But again...it's whatever!

Work tomorrow. Getting inked by Dan on Tuesday. Work & Book Club meeting with Chinese food (YUM!!) on Wednesday. I want to finish Every Which Way But Dead by Kim Harrison (FINALLY!!) sometime this week so I can give it to Amanda. I think I've been reading it since February! LMAO!! ;-p I *should* flip to the right side of Room 3 sometime this week so that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with this project. The rest of the week will just be work. Not exactly "busy" but...full, nonetheless. Stacy should be back to work FT now that school is out for the summer. That's gonna help with some of the work load, for sure! Hopefully, people's nerves & raw edges will soften up some again finally... :/

Fun...Coming!!

YAY!!! Weekend! Well, my "version" of it, at least! haha My Sunday. Technically, it's still Saturday night though! lol ;-p

Man...I was hurting so freaking bad last when I got home that I doped up & slept with the heating pad!! Course, I had to fight Sebastian for it! HAHA Apparently, he REALLY likes it! *snorts* But...sleeping with it was really, really useful!! For most of the day today, I felt pretty much human! I haven't felt this good in WEEKS!! Sooo...at least now I know what gives some relief...til this freaking project is finally over with! Speaking of...I've got a row & half left to do on the left side & then I'll flip over to the right side of the room & finish up. I'm still in the freaking Ms! LOL There's too many damned authors with names that start with M! HA!! ;-p

I'm driving into my driveway tonight & along the back fence, I see this flower...it's purple! So, OF COURSE, I need a closer look! lol Took the cam, just in case...

Was the WEIRDEST looking thing I've ever seen!! But so freaking cool!! :D No idea what it is but I posted the pic on FB. I figured if Amanda saw the pic, she'd know what it is...the flower freak that she is! LOL Sure enough!! She tells me it's a Passion Flower & it's native to this area. SWEET!! So I asked her, just out of curiosity, if there's any public gardens, etc, around here. Couple in Orlando, one in Ormond. So the more we talked, we made a "date"! LMAO!! The Sunday before Memorial Day, she & I are gonna go to one of these gardens! *WOOT* Can't wait! ;-) I LOVE this kinda stuff! :-)

After we talked about flowers, she asked if I'd ever gotten scheduled with Dan for him to do my tattoo. Nope. :/ I've been (actively) trying to schedule with him since last Tuesday!! :/ I wanna do it on my day off & he's off on Sundays so it narrows the timeframe down quite a bit. She talked to him for me--he's booked all next week...I'm off Tuesday...so he's gonna go in early for me & do it Tuesday morning at 10 am!! YAY!!!!! But...now I'm getting nervous! lol Everyone that I've talked to that's been inked by him, says he HURTS!! He's really heavy-handed. He bruises Amanda when he does her!! Ack! :/ But...he's good. And I know him. So...I'm just gonna suck it up! LOL

hahaha So TWO great things have happened tonight--date with Manda to see pretty flowers & appointment to get inked!! And it's not even Sunday yet!! :D BRING ON THE WEEKEND!!

LAZY!!!

GAH!! I had sooooooooooo much shit I needed to get done today!! All I accomplished was laundry & a nap!! Ugh. I am hurting so freaking bad at this point that I'd rather not move unless absolutely necessary!! :/ I guess Sunday will be a mandatory chore day--no matter what! *sighs* I am so freaking worn out...

And so OVER ceratin bullshit!! ARGHHHHH...wtfever, dude!!

Ahhh...Sunday!!!

It has been a SUPER loooooooong week! Ack! :/

Drama. Constant drama! Being Switzerland is fucken EXHAUSTING, dude!!! *sighs* It didn't used to be like this...ugh!

Amanda has been gone since Thur. Comes back on Tue. Her & Dan went to the tattoo convention in Orlando. She wasn't able to work an entire day at ALL last week so that hurt (us). I *get* it...but I don't. I mean, I understand the panic attacks & the breakdowns that come outta nowhere but she's FINE with Dan...FINE being home...it's just at work that bothers her?! I...don't get it! Stacy only works maybe 3 days/wk. Cindy has been...I dunno...bonkers! lol She's on overdrive! haha Sales slow down in the summer...she's just realizing that now & it's freaking her out. She's talking about cutting hours, changing store hours, etc. I dunno! I'll just do whatever. *shrugs* Kelli hurt her back. Was out Fri & Sat. Hopefully she's there tomorrow cuz it's just me, her & Cindy scheduled!! UGH!

This Room 3 Project is kicking my ass!! Tomorrow starts our 7th week of this & I will hit the halfway mark tomorrow. At this point, it's all I can do to MOVE anymore. Everything hurts. Continuously. Zero relief from it at all. Kelli said it right yesterday...when this is finally finished, I'm gonna need a 2 week vacation! LOL

The Trash (my fucken retarded nasty ass step-sister, Chrissy) is down here visiting. She's got her 5 month old son with her. I'm SHOCKED he's actually still alive so far! But...he hasn't got a chance. She barely feeds him cuz she doesn't want him to get fat! o.0 She gives him baby food in his bottle cuz she doesn't wanna actually FEED him!! She came down here from OH with NO bottles, food, diapers or anything for him! OMG! She's just a fucken moron. And, of course, I'm hearing all of this from my mom but she can't just tell me stuff...she has to yell & scream about it. *sighs* That shit always makes me...nervous. I don't like it. Anyway...

Yesterday was Joe's birthday. He was supposed to get a fruit basket delivered at the store & I was gonna bring it home. Nobody told me that it had actually gotten there yesterday so I left at 4:30, totally forgetting about it. Got home & texted Savannah to see if it was there. It was. I was having dinner with my mom (why I left earlier) so after dinner, I went across the street to the store, got the basket & brought it over to Kelli's (Joe & Judy weren't home yet). Sheesh! :/

But now...it's AHHHH...Sunday!! Yay! Rest. I haven't done a damned thing all day except FB, watch movies, read & took a nap! ;-) I'm not ready to go back to work...*sighs*. It all hurts...

Birthday Weekend...

It's been a good weekend. I mean, better than normal anyways! Yesterday was my birthday & I haven't "celebrated" my birthday for a few years now. I didn't plan on celebrating this one either but it all just kinda took over! lol I didn't hide my birthdate soon enough on FB so I got a crapload of birthday wishes from friends all day (some even started on Fri night!). I ended up not having to work after all so, instead, I went to the beach!! It was super crowded! But, then again, it WAS Saturday! lol I had to drive down the beach for about 10 minutes before I found a parking space! That's quite a ways when you're going 10 mph. ;-p But as far as it being crowded by people, not so much. Which was weird...lol. I pretty much had a pretty big vacant area all to myself! A horseshoe crab washed ashore & caused a big commotion for a while. He was HUGE! Probably about the size of a dinner plate. Assholes kept poking him & stuff. It was pissing me off. :/ Finally a guy put him back out into the water. Poor thing. I laid down & just relaxed for a while. So relaxed, in fact, that I caught myself dozing off! LOL That's when I knew I had to get up & get going. I went & waded in the water for a bit. It was fabulous! Then I headed home.

Got home, showered, ate & laid down to wait for Amanda. I...uhh...dozed off! lol She finally called & I went to The Abbey to hang with her for a bit & have a birthday drink. It was nice. Came back home & Bastian & I watched a movie. lol

Got up this morning & basically did nothing but watch a couple of movies til 5 pm when I headed over to my mom's for birthday dinner, cake & to watch The Blind Side. Good movie but wasn't what I was expecting. It didn't make me cry either! *shock* Now I'm home & should be in bed soon. It's been a helluva week that ended decently.

*is CONFUSED*

Amanda was opening by herself today. We've no idea when Lori will be coming in now that she's having to take the bus to work. I was due in at 9:30, like usual. Kelli was coming in around 11ish. Yeah, so...I dunno...*SOMETHING* was in the works for today cuz...I got bored this morning & ended up getting to work at 9:15. I walk in & it's kinda mass chaos. Ginny was there, buying books & Amanda had sold her one that was paid for by another customer that hadn't picked hers up yet. She was gonna run home though & get her copy to sell to the customer that had already paid for it & reorder one for herself. When she got back, she had no book & was crying! When she'd walked in her house, she walked in on Dan & a mutual friend about to fuck...

OMG!!!!

In HER bed!

She'd called Kelli to come in early. Here is where the chaos really begins. Amanda left, we suddenly got dumped on & here we're realizing it's just gonna be me & Kelli all day. Lori never counts--if she's there or not cuz she doesn't work the front. THEN...the lady with the book that was already paid for that Amanda gave to Ginny came in! It took me & Kelli a moment to realize what Amanda had done cuz see, she hadn't explained to me WHY she needed to go home & get her copy! So...Kelli took off to go over to Amanda's to get the book while the lady waited & Amanda showed back up at the store with the book! LOL Tried to call Kelli but she'd left her phone at the store! *snorts* Egads!

If I'd gone in at my NORMAL time, Amanda still would've gone home but she would've missed walking in on Dan & Audrey. O. M. G. How freaky is that?! :/

Now, we weren't really all that busy today. But we got an order in & it took Kelli til 4 pm to get it checked in & put away. Going in too many different directions all day to just get it done like normal. And my mind was in a million different directions all day (work, Sara, Tanya, Amanda) & I didn't sleep very well last night so I'm just...exhausted!

I get home & have a couple of chats with Sara. And, really, I'm just...I dunno! Lost?! I'm so fucken confused...

And So It Is...

So...after thinking about mine & Amanda's convo last night...I've just emailed both Sara & Tanya...about THAT whole thing & how I'm feeling about it. I forgive Tanya for betraying me & I'm afraid of Sara because I now feel like the *ULTIMATE* fool. I'm embarrassed by it. I wasn't even really sure of the words until I wrote them. Now, I just have to wait to see their responses. Tanya has been a part of my life since I was 5 years old. She's FAMILY! The only real family that I have. I still love Sara. Not that it matters. But I do. I probably always will. She's important to me...no matter how embarrassed I am, she's still important to me & so...I have to be honest with her. And myself. It's gonna make me crazy til I get responses from them but...off to work I go! :/

Eep!!

So...the 1st call we get at work today is the county sheriff's office, to talk to Cindy...about Lori. Ack!! She got arrested last night for a DUI! We've *been* telling her! *sighs* So they released her ROR after they confirmed employment with Cindy. She's lost her license though. Kelli took her up to get her car out of impound early in the afternoon. I was stuck on the counter til 2 pm. UGH!! :-( But I did manage to get a little bit done in Room 3 after all. Then, after work, Amanda drove Lori & her car home...all the way in Deltona. I followed & brought Amanda back home. She was very grateful to all of us today for helping her out. I mean, I've BEEN there...I know what it's like to be in that situation & have nobody you can count on. :/ It just made for a really long day. *shrugs*

Mike got us a picnic table for the back. I just happened to go out there when he was delivering it so I had to help him get it off the trailer & set it up under the awning. That bitch was HEAVY!! EEEP!!! :/

Mike & Cindy are leaving tomorrow for DC. The whole WWII veterans that they went to Palau to recover several weeks ago...the memorial service for them.

Cindy finished the newsletter today. I have to proof it now & then send it out Thur or Fri since she won't be here.

Cindy is also gonna try to cut hours, I think. I'm not real sure how that's gonna work! :-( We're already all running ragged as it is. She let John go, too. All he's been doing is busy work anyways & most of that, one of us had to go in behind him & fix so no big loss there. I guess I will stop eating if hours are cut too much...we'll see, I suppose.

Amanda & I had a talk this evening about the whole Sara/Tanya email thingy. She thinks I need to tell Tanya that I know what all was said. Just to get rid of that white elephant that's been between us for so long now. I'm still debating. I almost said something to her last night but changed my mind. I still really don't know what to say...to either of them. *SIGHS*

An Emotional Void...

I am *still* thinking, constantly, about the email Sara (Kat) sent me of the convo between her & Tanya. I can't NOT think about it! :/ There's soooo much of her thoughts that were not what was really happening. I tried to clarify a few things but there's still others. But...I haven't attempted to do them. After all, her mind was made up long ago that I had some sort of evil agenda against her & there's not really anything I can say that will change that.

She has contacted me on Yahoo a couple of times since the email, asking how I'm doing. I'm almost certain that it's not just a general inquiry of my well-being but, rather, she's specifically wanting to know how I'm dealing with the email knowledge. I've not asked her, of course, but...it's sad cuz...there was a time that her showing THAT kind of concern towards me would make my heart swell to a bursting point. The 1st time she asked, I slipped & told her I was kind of numb about it. The 2nd time, I kind of blew her off. I simply don't know what to say to her!! :/ I don't even know what to say to myself...

I am right back in time to that 1st month or so after everything exploded where I'm just...going through the motions. In disbelief, denial, shock & it's all on overload so I simply shut down & am in an emotional void. I wanted clarity & I guess, that's kinda what I got from it, after all. It has certainly made me re-evaluate my feelings that never truly wavered towards her & to second-guess my acceptance of Tanya back into my life. But where does that leave me exactly? I honestly...don't know! *sighs* Do I want to confront Tanya & tell her I saw what she said? No. I hate drama. And, really...how much does it matter anymore? Nobody gets inside my bubble anymore. Not even her. I don't trust her. I haven't for a very long time now. And...it seems I was right in not doing so! As for Sara...I can't be HAPPY about the things she said. I also can't express any true feelings about it cuz she doesn't want to hear it. Sooo...that puts me in this void.

Can you handle the truth?? I used to think so but now I'm not so sure! I FINALLY know the truth but I haven't got a fucken clue as to what to DO WITH IT! Argh.

WOW!!!

Kat just sent me & I've just finished reading all 31 pages of the Yahoo Messenger convo between her & Tanya on the night that I was put out & the following day. All I can truly say is...WOW!!! I don't think I can really come up with anything else to describe it...just...fucken...WOW!!! :/ Perspective is truly a daunting thing to acquire! *sighs*

Technical Difficulties!! ARGH!!

Ok, so, a few days ago, Kat posted pics of having her wrist tattoo redone. Someone had asked to see a pic of the original but she didn't keep any. lol I mentioned that I had some--I just had to get it off the desktop. Simple, right?! WRONG!!! The desktop. Yeah...umm...I can't remember exactly...but I think I got it in '02. I "upgraded" it with an NVIDIA graphics card in '07 (so I could play SL on it!). It has been in storage since Nov of '08 now. Til today! I plug it all up (scattered all over the floor, mind you!) & the monitor won't come on--just tells me it's in "Power Safe Mode" but I should be able to hit any key or move the mouse to bring it out of it. Nope. Doesn't work! So I Google the error message & see that Dell LCDs & NVIDIA graphics cards have a long-standing history of not getting along very well. AWESOME!! So I call my mom. Yep. She knows what I'm talking about cuz she's had the same problem before. Try her old monitor, she says. So I drive the 30 minutes to get to her house. Her old monitor...uhh...OK!! It's one of those ancient beasts that's as big as house!! You remember those?! LOL But...I'm willing to try whatever...cuz, you know, it's for Kat & all. *sighs* So I tote the thing home...

Coming home from my mom's, I am closer to Dan at the shop than I am my house so I decide to go ahead & swing by to talk to him about my tat. It just won't be for my birthday is all. I show him what I have & tell him my ideas. I knew they were going to the convention the 1st week of May anyway so he says when he gets back--the 2nd week of May. I'll get ahold of him closer to that time to actually schedule a sitting. I know *basically* what I want but have no clue or idea of how it can look decent so he's going to just use his talents & fix me up! :D

Anyway, so I get home with the ancient beast & lug it up the stairs! Ack!! Yeah. That was quite fun! :/ Plug it up. NOPE!! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! THIS one is telling me to check the signal! WTF?! So off to Google I go again. Guess what?! The answers I see all go back to that fucken NVIDIA graphics card!! GAHHH!!! So, yeah...I have no clue how to access the files on that comp without spending $100+ to upgrade to another graphics card! I'd rather spend that $ on my tat! ;-p I may eventually gather all the desktop pieces back up again & put them away. But not tonight. Or tomorrow night. Or...hmm...possibly Sun! lol ;-p In the meantime, I will continuously yell at Sebastian to leave it alone! hahahaha He's having fun with it! *snorts*

It is abso-freaking-lutely RIDICULOUS the shit I will *still* do for Kat!!! o.0 I need a labotomy...

Tattoo Plans Nixed!

So much for getting tattooed on the 1st!! ARGH! *sighs* I now hafta work...even though everybody else gets their birthdays off! So I'm not even gonna go talk to Dan today at all. Just gonna stay in my hidey hole instead...

BuZz!!!

About mid-afternoon yesterday, Kelli got fed up with her family's demands & decided she needed a drink!! Within minutes, it was a plan for us to all go to Chili's for margaritas!! haha Lori didn't go (*shock*). She, apparently, only likes to drink in dive bars. o.0 She's gonna get herself killed one of these days! :/ Stacy was invited but, of course, she didn't go. She doesn't socialize with us. So it ended up being me, Amanda, Kelli, Cindy & Mike. We had fun! We laughed. We embarassed the hell outta Mike! HAHA Food was great! I had my usual Quesadilla Explosion Salad. I had 2 cannisters of strawberry Presidente--that worked out to 8 glasses! LOL I didn't feel anything til the 7th. ;-p Then I buzzed really well for about an hour after I got home! ;-) And...happy, happy, joy, joy...I get to do this ALL OVER AGAIN tomorrow night! WooHoo! :D Book club is meeting at Chili's. heehee. So, anyway, we're all getting ready to leave & find out...Cindy & Mike had picked up ALL of our tabs!! OMG!! Wasn't expecting that!! Especially considering this little impromptu gathering was all Kelli's idea!! LOL I really do love them...Cindy & Mike. Super great people.

So it's taken me a year (or more) to decide on a tattoo. I'm gonna go talk to Dan about it this afternoon. Hopefully he is working on the 1st & I can get it done then. That way, it'll be my bday present to myself...the only way I'll "celebrate" the date at all. I will forever attempt to ignore my birthdays from now on, it seems. *sighs*

I still want him to do a custom piece but I haven't settled on the idea for that one yet. Someday...

I haven't been sleeping so well again for the last few days. *sighs* And to top it off, I feel a "hiding out" period coming on... :/

The Oddest Thing...

I was watching YouTube, to post a video of Love Can Build A Bridge by The Judds. While watching, I started crying. :/ SO stupid!! Not one that's affected me like that before...*sighs* Guess it's gonna be one of *THOSE* kinda days!! Ughhhhh...

Kat's Twin!!

Kat has a twin here & she freaks me the fuck out everytime I see her!! lol She's not an exact replica; she's a bit heavier & her hair is longer. But she's close enough that I stop breathing for a bit until my brain realizes it's NOT Her! ;-p She needs to stop coming in the store...haha!!

Household Crap Kinda Day!!

I was off today. Generally, when I'm off, I stay up til 2-4 am. Nope! I was out before 11 pm last night!! Actually...I haven't seen midnight...in over a week!! And I know why but I'm pathetic so I'll just keep that my little secret! ;-p Oh, & not only did I go to sleep before 11 but I slept until 9 am! HA!! been doing a lot of that, too...sleeping lots of hours at a time. But...again...*pathetic*...so we won't go into details! *chuckles*

So, anyway, I got up, played on FB while waiting my turn to use the washer/dryer. lol As I was starting my load of laundry, Judy got to see my folded dirty laundry!! HA!!! Yes. My OCD. Everyone who ever gets to witness it, makes fun of me! I HATE DOING LAUNDRY!!!!! *sighs heavily* :/ Anyhoo!! Moving on...

Got lost in the music while I was doing chores. :/ That's not always a GOOD thing! Did a load of laundry. Did the dishes. Cleaned the bathroom. Cleaned the kitty litter. A TOTAL clean-up job! Totally emptied it, washed the pan & put in new litter. Then I vacuumed the whole place. Put my heater away...don't need it anymore...SUMMER is here! Then I went to Publix. Out of tea for work. lol On the way to Publix, I noticed I was overdue for an oil change so I whipped in there & got that done. He says I also need to change the fuel filter & do an injection cleaning. Apparently it's the original filter that's on there (car is an '05). *shrugs* Can't do that this month. That's kinda pricey! Maybe next month...

Came home & did dinner & a movie. More FB.

OH!! haha I talked to Kat off & on for a bit today. Too cute! ;-p Last convo...she asked me if all of my FB statuses are about her!! My 1st reaction?? I died laughing!! Cuz...you know...it was funny! ;-p But...really....I thought it was cute. She has been the center of my world for soooooo long now!! Could almost be a rhetorical question!! haha But, no...I was completely candid with her. (Not even sure WHY I am so candid with her now...*sighs*) If I post something that has *anything* to do with love, she can be guaranteed that it's about her!! 95% of anything else...is directed at someone else. Or even myself! She asked me about it so as to keep the lines of communication open instead of just taking offense & getting pissed off like she used to. Which...makes a LOT of things make sense now!! I always wondered WTF she would just up & disappear on me!!! She'd get pissed about something I'd say that wasn't even directed at her...?! FFS!!! :-( Meh...live & learn...no??? :/ She didn't ask about all of the music videos that I post though. Erm...I'm thinking...those are CERTAINLY obvious!! *snorts* Those are ALLLLLLLLLLL her. o.0

So, anyway...busy day that ended quietly with a bit of a recharge in the middle!! Not too bad of a day! ;-) I'm so retarded...LOL! HA!! Oh, wait...PATHETIC!! Uhh...retardedly pathetic?! o.0 Whatever...

A DAY!!!!

Started getting ready to get Sebastian ready to go to the vet this morning...& I had to CHASE HIM DOWN!!! That's never happened before!!! Getting him into his carrier was another battle that's never happened before either!! UGH!! WTF?! lol So I dropped him at the vet's & went to work. Got there at 8:15. Stacy & Kelli got there at 10. Stacy read her letter & never said a word (at least, not while I was around!). But she & Kelli spent some time after that, scheduling her days off around school for the month of May. Hopefully this will *finally* work the way it needs to! She was pleasant anytime that I was around her. I was shocked by that. But I spent the rest of the day working on my project. I went to pick up Sebastian at 4. Brought him home & he was still dopey. Not walking so well! I'm *SO* going to Hell for laughing at him!! LOL ;-p However...I'm worried! He's still trying to hump me! ACK!! 1st of all, he falls over when he tries it. Secondly, it's not like before. Now he just sits & shudders all over. It seems...painful?! I'm hoping this goes away as he heals! :/ It's 11 pm now & he's eating, walking better, gone to the potty, getting around everywhere like normal so he's definitely coming around!

OH!!!! And baby Cameron finally showed up sometime after 8 pm! YAY!!! :D Got a pic of Mike holding him! Cute! lol Can't wait to meet him! ;-)

I'm tired. It's been a long day. :/

Uhh...I have blisters on my sunburned shoulder. They hurt! I'm gonna hafta pop em. Tomorrow. Ouchies. :/ I'm so not good at inflicting pain on myself...*sighs*

ZzzzzZZZzzzZzzZZZZ!!!

It's just after 8 pm & I'm fighting to keep my eyes open!! :/

Sunburn is a bit uncomfortable...

Sebastian goes in to get fixed in the morning! I'm gonna open by myself (for only the 2nd time). Cindy's grandson is coming tomorrow!! WOOHOO! Can't wait to see him! ;-) They're inducing labor at 8 am!

I need to read on our book club book but my eyes aren't really focusing on much.

Stacy comes back tomorrow. I'm curious of the outcome...

I am avoiding .977. lol *sighs* Maybe I'll watch an ep or 2 of Bones...

Therapy Day!!

I was asleep by 10:30 last night!! Just utterly exhausted! It's been a helluva week! :/ And...I was still sleeping soundly at 8 am when my alarm went off! o.0

Wasted some time waiting for Amanda to get ready to go to the beach. Listening to .977 & playing on FB. UGH!! .977 was totally against me this morning!!! Heard 2 out of the 3 Top Songs for Her!! Fuck me!! *sighs* No One by Alicia Keys which has a very negative connotation to it due to me listening to it over & over & over way back when...when she'd cheated on me with some douchebag. I fought very hard for her during that timeframe. Then I heard Clumsy by Fergie, which was my #2 song about how I felt. It's her unique ringtone on my phone (even still). Both of these, I haven't heard in a very long time!! I figured, after the 2nd one, if I heard the last one..the #1 song... (Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis)...I'd just slit my throat & get it over with!!!! Needless to say, by the time we left for the beach...I was in *ultimate* need of getting that therapy that the beach always gives me!! :/

It was a bit overcast & a little cool (71) but it wasn't crowded & was just very, very NICE!! I got to sit & just exhale for a little bit!! :-) Water is still cold! lol I waded a little bit. But I watched the boys run & play. Watched the waves. Felt the breeze. Watched the birds. Watched the clouds. And just...centered. R-E-L-I-E-F!! I got a pretty good burn, too. It's only just now settling in. When I 1st got home, it didn't look/feel this bad. Oh, well. Was SO worth it!! Nevermind the fact that I *always* burn...no matter what! I need to go to therapy once a week while the weather's nice now. Can't really enjoy it in the winter! ;-p

Stacy Drama...

OMG @ fucken Stacy!!! DUDE!! *sighs*

She started texting me at 7:30 this am! UGH!! Calling in for the 2nd day in a row! And, btw, she's OFF tomorrow!! Sun & Mon, too, are her scheduled days off. FFS! Anyway, it was this long, drawn out text discussion. *sighs* I just told her, flat out & I wasn't being snotty or anything...but she took offense to what I was telling her & got all pissy! WTFever. Got to work & Amanda, Cindy & Kelli all read the texts between us. We're ALL over her at this point. Already looking for her replacement (just in case). Cindy has officially written her up. Course...she won't know that til Tue!! I imagine she'll just get pissed off & quit. Whatever. She's never there anyway...if she quits, it won't be a big loss. So...anyway...that little ordeal just set the tone for the entire day!! Ugh. *sighs*

I worked on my project for the majority of the day again. I'm so fucken sore & exhausted &...I'm ready for tomorrow to be over with already!!!!!!! I want Sun to be here! Supposed to go to the beach with Amanda & her crew...I *SO* need the therapy that the beach always gives me! :/

Just Don't Get It!!

At 8:07 this morning, Stacy starts texting me. Right away, I knew she was calling in!! o.0 Yep. Sure enough! Said she's been up since 6:30 am yesterday, working on this paper that was due today. Said she was still in the same clothes & cracked out on caffeine. Uhh...ok?! You know, I've been writing since I was 12-ish. Poetry. Stories. I can't say that it comes easy to me but...for the life of me...I CANNOT figure out how it could take more than 24+ straight hours to write a 1500 word essay (that's 2-3 PAGES!!)...especially when I listened to her spout all of this info out to Lori about what she was writing it on!! I just *don't* get it but it's whatever! We were ok without her. And *still* no grandbaby for Cindy! He's quite comfy where he is apparently! ;-p But we all can't wait to meet him! :D

Today was my 2nd day in a row that I've strictly been on Project duty. Almost did nothing the past 2 days except work in Room 3. Everything *HURTS*!!! :/ And I'm fucken exhausted...

I need to call the vet to see if I can get Sebastian in to get fixed yet. I was gonna do it this morning but was texting with Stacy...*sighs*. Cindy offered to front me the money for it, if I need to & I can pay her back, $10/mo. lol He *needs* to get fixed! He humps my arm every night now...LOL. EWWWW!!!

Another Phone Call...

Phone calls that have an air of ease & familiarity when...*technically*...they SHOULDN'T...are a bit frightening...

She called me again tonight. We talked for almost an hour. I have to say...this convo was better than the 1st. 1st of all, she caught me completely by surprise with the 1st one! I hadn't heard her voice in over a year. It was difficult, at best. But this time...it was different. It was like old times. We talked about Talon, Finn & Neenah. We talked about Ben, the girls, her schooling. I also found something out. Way back when, I always got embarrassed & self-conscious when it came to me admitting out loud anything about my feelings. I had a couple of "confessions" tonight...& wasn't embarrassed. They just came out! BLOOP! Just like that! I think...or I wonder anyway...if it's because it's just been so fucking long? I mean, my feelings haven't changed. Not the core feelings. I *still* experience the entire spectrum of emotions when it comes to her. Usually simultaneously & it's all the time. But...I still feel the way I always did. I've succumbed to that. This is who I am. This is how I will be. It's not going to ease or go away. Or heal, for that matter. It just is what it is. Even when it doesn't matter, it still isn't going to change for me. She made the comment that all of that was "water under the bridge". Not so much. Not for me. I'm not over it. I never will be. Obviously. Am I still angry with her? Not really. I hate him. I wish she'd get away from him. Get the girls away from him. Then she asked me if it was odd...us talking. Well...DUH! lol I mean, come on! hahaha ;-p Then she asked if it bothered me. I just laughed. My gut reaction was "No!" But, I guess, in a way it does. I'm petrified of when she disappears again. :/ Our history almost guarantees it's gonna happen. It's just a matter of WHEN! But she's so proud of how well she's been keeping in touch! So am I...but don't tell her that! ;-) But still...waiting for the other shoe & all...

I realize I much prefer talking to her, hearing her...more than typing on FB...*sighs*

I also realize that I am travelling down a very dark & scary road. One I've been on before. And yet...even KNOWING...I just can't help myself...